How To Find Out If My Boyfriend Is On Dating Sites - Fight

I [25/f] saw an email from an online dating site on my boyfriends [30/m] phone. He quickly deleted it and denied it. Now, all of his things are password protected. I'm concerned

My boyfriend, John, and I have been together for 3 years- living together for almost 1. IMO, we’ve had a really good relationship and I haven’t had a reason to not trust him. I’ve never “snooped” through a SO’s phone or computer, as I believe privacy is important and I know I value my own privacy. BUT this latest incident has me questioning that…
So…
Three nights ago John and I were on the couch watching a movie. I was sitting and John was lying with his head on my lap. His phone kept vibrating because he was in the middle of a group message with his family. They were discussing plans about an upcoming trip this summer. We were both reading the messages because I was included (I didn’t have my phone by me to read them myself on my phone). John then opened up his email app because he had gotten a notification. The email was from Match.com.
John quickly swiped and deleted it. I said “what was that from?” And he said “just spam.” I then asked “was that from Match.com?” He said “no, I don’t know what it was.” It was a blatant lie. I just kind of looked at him, giving him a chance to tell the truth and he snapped and said “it wasn’t, ok?!” I said ok and went back to watching the movie. He was standoff-ish and didn’t check his phone the rest of the night while I was around. We didn’t talk about it anymore.
Now, I don’t care if John used a dating website before we met. I know that a lot of people build lasting relationships from online dating. What I do care about is if he’s still on it/paying for the service. I also understand that companies will still send emails after you cancel a service, but why wouldn’t he just say that if that’s the case? We both know what I saw, so there’s no point in denying it.
I had gotten over this incident but last night, I noticed something else. My laptop is a POS and hardly ever works (I’m in the process of shopping around for a new one). Because I’m in the process of finishing up my Masters, I’ve been using John’s computer. He told me that I don’t have to ask to use it anymore so when I went to work on some research, it was locked. It’s never been locked before. Ever. I called him in and told him that I need to use it and if he could type his password in. He said fine and unlocked it. Cool, time to work. I didn’t ask why he locked it. John literally sat behind for me 15 minutes watching me work. Then, for the next hour and a half, he would walk in every 5-10 minutes and see what I was doing. He NEVER did that before. I told him he was distracting me and he said “just seeing what you’re up to.” I was reading academic articles, like I had told him originally.
When we went to bed, I reached for his phone to put on the night stand. We only have one nightstand and it’s on my side. Every night, I take both phones and put them on my night stand. It’s our routine. He walked in and said “what are you doing with my phone!?” I told him I was putting it on the nightstand. I asked him why he’s being so weird with me and his things. He said “why are you so concerned about what’s on my stuff?”
I said that I wasn’t and that he told me I could use his computer whenever I want, that I didn’t go through his phone (I really didn’t), that I have no idea why he thinks I’m worried about what’s on his things, and that he’s being weird since I asked what that email was. He just kind of huffed and went to sleep. No more was said about it. Today, I had PTO scheduled from work. I’m not really proud of this but I went to see if his computer was locked, it was. So was his iPad, which has never had a passcode on it. I didn’t try to crack the codes because what’s the point? It’s his personal things but I’m still concerned he’s hiding something.
So what should I do? I’ve always trusted him but his behavior has me worried. Should I ask him again about the email? Could he be embarrassed that he used match.com? Or is it safe to assume he’s still using it or hiding something else? I don't even know if there's a way to see if he's still using it.
tl;dr: I saw an email from match.com when my boyfriend and I were looking at his phone. He denied it after quickly deleting it. Now, his phone, computer, and iPad are now password protected. He's also been snappy with me and accusing me of looking through his things. I'm concerned he isn't being honest with me.
submitted by BAP0223 to relationships [link] [comments]

Found boyfriend on many online dating sites and chatting with other women.

I (36/f) have found that my boyfriend of almost 4 years has signed up for a lot of online dating sites and even chatting with other women. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't get it. I have explained how this makes me feels and yet he continues to visit the dating sites. Is he addicted or is it something else? I am beginning to feel inadequate and wondering if there is a future for our relationship.
submitted by FrostySleeping to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

I'm [25/f] ready to try online dating again, but scared of finding my [28/m] ex-boyfriend on the site. Advice for how to handle it if I do?

My boyfriend of 6 months recently broke up with me. We had a great relationship, and it went downhill pretty quickly after I realised he was incapable of having adult conversations, and chose to avoid arguments rather than solve them. He ended it by saying (on the phone, and we live close) he "couldn't do a relationship right now", but that was only after he tried to dump me via text, and tried to get me to say it first.
I like dating sites because I'm very shy, and that's actually how I met my ex. I want to get back into dating, because I'm fairly confident I've realised he's not the guy for me, I'm just afraid of what will happen to my progress if I stumble across his profile. Knowing he lied to me even further might crush me. Any advice on how to deal if I do see him?
TL;DR: Feel like I'm moving on, but scared of seeing my ex on a dating site.
submitted by Brodaway to relationships [link] [comments]

The 11 Habits of Highly Toxic People

... Well 11 of many....
Edit: Thank you guys for reading this and I'm happy it helped so many people! I tried to answer all the comments I could!
And some of the comments made me remember point 12&13
12...asking you to justify your logical reaction to their behavior.
"What about what I did was abusive? I didn't know slapping people in the face was wrong! I'm too dumb to understand that what I did was rude or hurtful in any way!"
I forgot it because it's common online but most of my interactions have been in person. I added it to point 11 because I think it belongs there.
13... Attacking your looks, gender, age, etc, without even hearing your argument. I added this to point 1.
"It's pretty obvious you hate men" (because visually you are female) "You are too young to understand why I had to lock you in the basement for hours. One day when you have kids"... (nope, it will never become justifiable)
Heres the original post
I was, today, suggested a thread (for some reason) called seduction. Another "pick up artist" thread. They're so inherently toxic. And it honestly saddens me that they're playing on extremely gullible, potentially very nice people.
The thread, and threads like it, seem to be all about teaching people to abuse others. They're like the abusive father you never had... Well, I hope you never had.
I just want to give you the truth as I know it about how abusive relationships work. And why it's so hard to find the strength to regain your own identity after being infused with so much fear.
I also want to relate the language of abusive relationships to the reasons people fall victim to reddit threads and discord groups like MGTOW, seduction, incels, neo nazis, kkk, and even ultra right wing "religious" groups that advocate violence against women and people in the LGBT movement.
Warning: some examples are satirical. All may be triggering
1...Create anxiety.
They start by playing on your anxieties, making you feel inadequate. Making you feel like the one kid on the schoolyard who didn't get the hot new toy for Christmas. "Everyone is getting girls except you... Don't you feel like such a loser?" "You're so much fatter than the rest of the cheerleaders. At least suck it in at practices"
"you're going to grow up just like me" "think you're smart now, wait until you have kids"
2... Create discomfort. Make them feel like they're "in on it" or "out of the loop"
They will do something awful and make you feel like you're just as bad as they are "sure I did it, but you watched and said nothing"
"you're literally the only one of us who hasn't done this" example: "look how many men in this seductions group are sleeping with hundreds of women. We're all doing it and you're just alone reading about it hue hue LOSER"
3...Create false hope.
"You're going to be so happy when (never) you realize that every girl wants you. When you talk to 500 girls and 200 of them say yes, finally you'll be the dude everyone looks up to. They won't be more creeped out by you than ever! They won't be terrified to use the toilet after you for fear of catching something!"
"You're going to be so rich when you go on that cam girl site! You're going to make so much money and nobody will find out! It won't destroy your future career prospects and family relationships!"
4... Create an enemy. Especially of any thinking human being who would logically disagree with you.
"Don't listen to those college educated snobs who think you should form authentic friendships and close relationships with other people! People only exist to serve you, let me show you how to make it happen"
"Don't listen to your mom. She's not worried about you. She's just jealous because she's old and ugly and has no friends"
"People tell you to have self respect are just jealous they can't work full time at Walmart while making $20 a week selling nudes on the internet. They don't actually want to help you. I do. Now bend over further, you know I need my 90% cut"
5... Create a false brotherhood.
"I used to be like you. We're the same, you and I. I manipulate people for a living, and hire models to pretend they're interested in dating mooks, and you... Are a Mook! Come with me to the land of candy and ice cream... Nothings poisoned, I swear. We're best friends, aren't we? Don't hurt my feelings, now!"
"Now that we've gone clubbing together and I puked on you and tried to make out with your boyfriend, we're SISTERS. Hey can I borrow $50?"
6...Put a price on the friendship or relationship. Make rules. Dole out punishments for not following them.
"For only $3000 you can take my course and learn to get all the girls you want" "I only want one girl." "that's because you're pathetic, stupid, obviously not interested in being cool, backward thinking, and don't even deserve my help. Plenty of other people are willing to pay. Guess they care more about me than you do."
"if you don't drive me home I'm going to kill myself"
7... Lie, lie, lie.
"I'm a 44 year old man with average looks and above average manhood who has approached 500 women and slept with over 200 and now I'm married to a much younger woman who is involved in a swinger lifestyle with me hurdy durdy dur"
Yes. And I'm an African Prince named Nfubu whose dead uncle left me a large sum of money. All I need is your banking information...
They will also spread rumors or lies about you, even to your face.
"you have anger issues" "you seem to hate (this group of people)" "you kill dogs in your spare time"
8... But it COULD be true.
I mean, that's what Uncle Ndebele said when someone left him the money before he left it to me...
9...Suggest something that goes against every instinct of decent basic humanity and self preservation, to see if they have you hooked and/or submissive enough to do it.
"come into this room, put on a white Robe, and let this random dude pour jelly beans over your head. Totally normal, nothing to see here."
"it's okay to pay money for sex since you can't buy love. But who cares? Nobody will ever love you anyway"
10... Exercise total dominance and control.
"it doesn't matter how many girls you meet. You'd never meet ONE without me" "look at everything I've done for you. You should be thanking me, not crying that it wasn't what you wanted or complaining about the price."
11... Everything is someone else's fault.
You only got fired for sexual harassment because that girl was a prude. A nice girl would have just had sex with you and thanked you for the chlamydia.
Of course you gained weight. Your wife started buying all those fatty foods when you started refusing to eat anything else.
Of course you cheated on him. He was never home and constantly working overtime because you needed expensive things to feel happy.
"What about what I did was abusive? It's totally normal to slap people in the face? It's your fault for being too sensitive!"
"What about hitting men is wrong? Obviously he's a little bitch if he can't take a hit from a girl. It's His fault for not being stronger!"
"What I did wasn't offensive. You just got offended for no reason! Everyone calls people the n-word when they're angry!"
It's hard to combat this stuff because it can seem logical. Or compelling. Or at least like something you can endure more easily than sitting alone watching another 10 hours of Netflix. By the time they up the ante its too late or you feel indebted.
It's easy to give advice from outside the situation.
Just leave (and go where?)
Go to the police (and say what?)
Talk to the family and friends they alienated.
Go somewhere safe without your kids, pets or belongings
In the case of a movement, cult, or hate group there may even be an entire group of powerful people after you. And groups like the KKK are (incredibly) still legal organizations.
Your income or access to Healthcare can be dependent on the person. You may be a child or adult in their care. They may be your boss, social worker, or teacher.
I hope this post helps someone like seeing the cycle of abuse image helped me. I didn't even know what was happening until I saw myself in those words and realized my "mental health issues" were mostly PTSD.
submitted by catniagara to socialskills [link] [comments]

My Mom met a guy on the Internet, he’s now wired over $90,000 into her bank account.

I apologize in advance for any mistakes as I’m currently shaken up by this and am on my way to my moms to talk to her and my dad.
Her and my dad have always had a rocky relationship but it’s recently gotten worse. She went on a online dating site and met this guy who said he was from Asheville, NC and was working in Taiwan. There has been a plethora of red flags including; google voice number, being in the hospital and almost dying while having a “lawyer” communicate with her, paying off her credit cards and the payments bouncing, her sending phones to somewhere in Missouri, and the list goes on.
Well I thought she had stopped talking to this person when I got a call from my dad saying $95,200 was deposited into their account from a weird place. I told him it was probably a mistake from the bank and we will call them tomorrow and fix it. I get a call from him 5 minutes later saying my mother has been talking to someone overseas who doesn’t have a bank account and needed somewhere for the money to go. At this point I’m crying because he’s threatening suicide and how his life is fucked because of her and all this other stuff.
I called my mom and she said that he sent it to her to pay off her debts (my parents are in a lot of debt). Obviously this is illegal right? I have no idea what to do or how to help. I know it’s something they have to fix and it’s not my problem but I need to give my dad some closure that this won’t effect him, or will it? I have no idea what to do.
ANYTHING anyone can tell me would be helpful. We live in Georgia, US.
UPDATE: I’ve called the police, they’re sending a officer. She’s been trying to run but I’ve taken all of the keys and her shoes.
UPDATE 2: The officer came. My dad and I told our sides and then she told hers. The officer had to remain unbiased (I’m so thankful he was as nice and understanding as he was). He told us the money was likely legitimate due to it being processed and her not receiving any alerts that it was fraudulent. I found out she had MoneyGrammed him $2,500 of the money and she was going to send the rest to him (my mom said she sent it to his sister) this week. Due to my mother truly believing this is not a scam, the officer could not force her to make a police report. She chose not to, the officer left. We came back inside and sat with my dad, mom, my boyfriend, and I. I had a talk with them about where they wanted to go from here. They both love each other and they decided to try and make it work. My mom said she is going to stop talking to him after the money is gone. (I am now going to tell her to leave the money and check with the bank about where it came from). I set them up for counseling at BetterHelp because they do not have insurance at the moment. I got them both to agree to try and better themselves and their relationship. All while this is happening I am moving into my brand new house, first time homebuyer, only 20 years old. I am freaking out inside and still shaking because I can’t believe this is happening. Trying to keep it together for everyone.
UPDATE 3: Currently at the bank. Closing my joint account with my mom (opened when I was 16). They just told her that it is fraudulent. She doesn’t believe them. They told her she could have been prosecuted and she is still in denial. It hurts me so much that she didn’t listen to her daughter. She sent only $2,500 but when that $95,000 is taken back, their account will be overdrawn. And I just found out she gave him her debit card number so he charged another $2,000. I don’t have the money to help them. My dad is a victim. He lost his job and now they have nothing. Absolutely nothing. My mom doesn’t work because of a disability. My dad lost his job because of COVID and can’t file unemployment because they made up a fake story about a rule he didn’t follow. This is impossible. Completely unbelievable.
submitted by PacificLite to legaladvice [link] [comments]

A year ago, I tried sugar dating (as a SD) – biggest shitshow of my life

EDIT: I have summarized all the (very) different answers that I got here in this reply: https://old.reddit.com/sugarlifestyleforum/comments/hvdljo/a_year_ago_i_tried_sugar_dating_as_a_sd_biggest/fz2i22t/
Warning: this is long. Like 6000 words long, and it took me around 8 hours to write in a coherent way. Some users here will no doubt find me a moron, gullible, or other negative things. Some will say I was scammed, some will say I had it coming, some will say I wasn’t. Some of you will probably say I have no business in sugar dating, when I don’t have more money than I do. At the very least, I think most of you will have as big a “WTF?” response as I did throughout the whole thing.
I’m a 35 year old dude from Scandinavia. Pretty decent looking, well educated, talkative, social, and a pretty decent job.
So, a year ago, a lot of shit was happening in my life. I was getting ready to get back into a fulltime job as my own startup hadn’t taken off, I was dealing with my dad slowly losing his memory, and a very out-of-nowhere death of my mother, who we expected to have around for another 30 years or so. Not just that, but I had already been dealing with a mild depression for a few years, and now not only did I have to arrange everything (my dad is too old to help much), I was also dealing with lawyers, inheritance, taking over some family business that I had no clue how to run, bank loans suddenly in my name, and on and on. To round things up, this came right after I had broken up with my at-that-time-girlfriend, who had then tried to kill herself and later stalked me online. It wasn’t a great time in my life.
So, at that time, I already knew a little about sugar dating. From curiosity I had been lurking on this sub for half a year or so, and had made a “test account” on SA just to see what it was all like. During last summer, being abroad speaking at a conference, the loneliness cracked me and I paid for a membership.
That said, very quickly, I found out this was not for me. I was getting spammed by escorts, prostitutes, and women wanting me to pay for photos of their feet. I talked to a few, but nothing ever came out of it: they would randomly disappear, one starting talking about keeping it quiet from her real boyfriend (huge turnoff???), and a few turned out to be very very sketchy. After about 3 weeks, I cancelled my membership again.
Within the last few days, I get a message from a 22yo girl I favorited or messaged right at the beginning, from Westcoast’ish region of the US. I explain to her that I was mistaken, and this really wasn’t for me. I was looking for a genuine relationship, not to pay someone for company (though happy to take care of the person I’m with). I’m not insanely rich either and won’t/can’t be the guy that endlessly showers her with money or gifts. I’m well off, but I’m more of a 10%’er than a 1%’er generally speaking. I made all this very clear. So I was happy to talk, but doubted that was what she wanted/was looking for. Surprisingly, she said she wanted the same! “Something real”. So, we started talking. (Side note: you might wonder why I even bothered signing up on a Sugar Dating site then. Well, I fell for the marketing. “These are just women looking to date better men” so to speak. Yes, I’m an idiot.)
We seemed to get along really well and seemed to have a mutual attraction. Looking back, maybe I should have been suspicious just how funny she found my jokes. We clicked almost unrealistically well when it came to kinks, both liked weed, both seemed to be very open people, we shared core values, she seemed interested in me and vice versa. It all seemed great!
Now, distance is obviously a bit of a thing here. For me, not that big a deal. I’ve lived in Japan for a while, so got used to long-distance stuff from there, and have (normal, regular, non-sugary) had a girlfriend in the US before as well. It seemed a bit more problematic for her. We get to know each other, and after a small month of casually talking (texting, but also video chatting around 5 times for several hours at a time), we decide on a date range and I buy her a ticket to come see me for 10 days.
And really, this is where things start taking a bad turn. I should have already noticed some red flags, but I had put it down to cultural and generational differences. She would often disappear for a few days and just not reply. Or when we were agreeing on stuff, randomly disappear for the rest of the day. Was difficult getting in touch with. She would always just tell me she was extremely busy with work, tired when she got home, and wasn’t much of a texter. But at times it was more in the “I just need a yes/no within 24 hours” type things, and she would still be a pain getting in touch with. There also started to pop up a few mild inconsistencies in her stories, that I couldn’t quite tell if were real or not. We would be texting about when we should video chat, and she would leave for days when I sent “so today or tomorrow?” for instance. Super frustrating, leaving a feeling of both not respecting my time, and also fucking up my schedule. We would be texting back and forth, and out of nowhere she would just randomly not reply for a few days. At one point, before I booked the ticket, it had gotten bad enough (she had gone poof for about 1½ weeks) that I wrote her it was fine if she wasn’t interested, but I wasn’t going to deal with this. I have a friend in LA, who called it. “If you do this, just know she’ll shower you with attention right after, but later she’ll go back to being the same”. Which is exactly what had happened.
Anyway.
While my subscription had run out, curiosity got the better of me, and I logged back in to see if she was still active on SA – and at that point, I realized she was still logging back into SA on, at a minimum, daily basis. Hell, there were times she wouldn’t be responding to a message, but would log in for days on end on SA instead. This continued until literally only about an hour before her plane left, on the day she was going here. I’ll be honest, this bugged me, but at the same time who I am I tell people whether they can talk to strangers online or not? We weren’t dating, we weren’t in a relationship. So, I put it in the “not my business” bucket.
Since I was, at this point, really not interested in a “sugar relationship with no strings attached” (again, something I had made extremely clear), I asked about her time on there. She told me she didn’t have a sugar daddy now and hadn’t had one for a long time. “I still go on dates though” – it would take me over half a year to realize this is a polite way of saying “I still meet up and fuck for money though”. At another time, she later said something along the lines of “well I mean I still have sex with some of them if I like them”.
I spent a massive amount of time preparing for this (probably in the 30 hour+ range). She didn’t want to be involved in any planning at all, barely even putting in the effort to say what type of things she wanted to see (“I don’t know what’s there, so I’ll depend on you showing me” type deal). I planned a ton, phoned a bunch of local business to help her out with a certification situation, figured out what we could see in ex amount of days, what she wanted, and also spent a few hours looking at tourist videos on YouTube that I could send her. I sent her 3 (in total, maybe 25min?) which covered different topics – when she arrived, I learned she had never bothered watching any of them, and legit had no fucking clue about my country. Like, really, zero knowledge.
You might be wondering why I hadn’t noped out long before. What can I say, she was beyond charming to talk to, and while her actions clearly spoke of a certain personality, her words and interactions with me did not. I’m a romantic, sue me.
During the final weeks of planning, expenses suddenly started pilling up as well. Not only was I obviously paying the ticket, and all expenses while she was here, but I also paid for a dog sitter (hundreds of dollars for 10 days?), for extra transport, and, at the end, convinced me to also pay her regular salary while she was here – she really needed the money, after all. So now, I’m paying the transport and ticket, all expenses, dog sitter, and her regular salary. At this point I should obviously have known she wasn’t looking for a real relationship, but there was a sunken cost fallacy going on, and as I said, I was lonely as shit. It’s important to note that while I’m well off (particularly for my age), I’m definitely not filthy rich. I make around 100k a year, and have a net worth in the 1% for my generation, but I’m not in a situation where I can throw 5 or 10k around needlessly, you know? I live a nice comfortable life, but I definitely don’t live an American-1%-type life, which of course I had told her very early on.
Now, it can be a bit crazy meeting people like this, so I obviously wanted to Google her a bit, to make sure no murder records show up, lol. But homegirl is an absolute enigma online. Does not exist. No records of anything. No social media. No photos of any kind. Number not connected to anything. ZERO info, to the point where it was obvious that serious effort had been put into hiding herself online. Gotta be honest, that weirded me out a bit – in contrast, to make her feel safe about the whole thing, I messaged her a shitton of info on me (address, public registries, social media, work info, pretty much everything I could think of), which I had no issue with her sharing with a friend for safety. I now understand this is pretty common for sex workers, but remember that at this point, I’m still sold on a “normal relationship”.
I had originally sorted out anyone on SA that had been on the site longer than a year or so, exactly because I wasn’t interested in a “pro”. It was around this time that I realized I had misread her profile – it wasn’t 2 months old, it was 2 years old. “But we’ve made it this far, might as well keep going?” I essentially think.
She arrives, I pick her up at the airport, everything is beyond awesome. I’m extremely happy to see her, she seems extremely happy to see me, seems super excited to be here, seems impressed/happy with my efforts, and all seems pretty good. I think her first reaction when we got back home was “Dude, this is banger”, which still gives me a bit of a laugh. Genuinely great.
Throughout her time here though, weird issues starting popping up. She was very awkward discussing anything socio-economic (and had apparently never heard that term before??), seemed offended (though she would constantly say “I don’t get offended”) when discussing bad neighborhoods in my city (“Yeah? What’s bad about poor people? Is it because they’re foreigners?” – those types of replies, which were way more aggressive than the topic at hand and seemed to spin things out of proportion or intention. They’re bad cuz there’s a ton of crime there...). To my understanding she actually came from a fairly well-off family, which confused me more.
I knew a bit about it already, but she had an extremely negative/weird focus on her own ethnicity (Asian), making it clear she felt it was very awkward and weird I had spent a time of my life living in Tokyo (“I just find it weird to have another country as a hobby…” – why? I think that’s incredibly common, actually), and was asking a lot of questions on exactly how I had originally found her profile – “You must have been looking for Asian girls”. Completely true, I find Asians generally very attractive, but as far as I remember I found her profile by searching for very different things that popped up in her profile (like “420” as an example). But at the same time she had her ethnicity prominently featured in her username and dressed almost stereotypically “young Asian”. While being incredibly awkward about her own ethnicity, she would also say things like “if we started dating, my friends wouldn’t like you... they’d say like, oh, you’re dating that type of guy...”. I didn’t understand at first, but she later explained that, basically, her friends would give her shit for dating a white guy. So, there were a lot of weird shit going on. She would talk a lot about not wanting to be fetishized for being Asian, but at the same time she was the only one who kept bringing it up. Not to mention, as I explained to her several times, I really didn’t view her as “Asian”, I viewed her as “American”.
We went out one night to show her the night life, and at one point a bartender forgets to bill us. She says “Oh he probably gave us the drink for free, that happens all the time, with my ex bartenders always used to tell us how cute we were together and give us the drink for free”. At least from my perspective, that’s a pretty awkward thing to start talking about on a date.
There were other awkward/weird moments that popped up in random conversations. She was a SB, but thought pickup artists were the lamest people in the world. When we talked about kids, she said “I know I have good genes, so I should have kids”. One evening we were out eating, and she just shut down for a hour, getting borderline angry with me for asking what she liked about her hobby/job – “that’s what I talk about all day at work, I don’t want to talk about it now”, which is fine, but she was also extremely secretive with her life, so I had pretty limited conversational topics, and she didn’t really talk about anything else (her work/hobby, weed, and BDSM – that was largely it, so it was difficult to just find a different topic to start talking about at times). Not to mention that she had previously talked endlessly about how much she enjoyed her job, and what a big part of her life that activity was, so it felt very out of nowhere.
But she still felt very affectionate. Still felt real. Never asked me for money, or to buy her anything (I obviously did anyway). There would be days she would just look at me and say “dude, this is legit a perfect day for me right now”. I remember a morning I was making her breakfast, and she just randomly stumbled into the kitchen and just gives me this strong long hug from behind. Over the days there were plenty of words of affection, walking around clinging to my arm, giggling and smiling. Her boss wrote her a few times about issues, and she asked me if I could help her write messages and emails explaining the situation (long story about work stuff, I understood it fairly well, just wrote the message on her behalf in “proper business language” or whatever you’d call it), which I gladly did. Yes, I saw the messages, just normal work stuff. In fact, the whole thing was very disarming, since she just left her phone with me a bit - I’m not an asshole, so I didn’t just go through her conversations. Quick jump back: a day or two before the little sweet hugging, she had one evening asked me to take a test on my “love language”. What do I get? I like people telling me nice things and touching me. When she asked me to take it, I thought she was just being quirky/cute or had an interest in that stuff, but looking back, it’s also a very clever way to know what to say/do to a person to make them like you. Hers were, you guessed it, gifts. Obviously.
Yet at the same time, I often had this weird feeling that I was disappointing her, or not living up to expectations. That really, she would prefer I was someone else than who I was. I often felt I had to “wear a mask” in front of her, and likewise, I often felt that I wasn’t seeing “the real her”. It was awkward, because at times she would outright state that she was attracted to men who very clearly were not the type of person that I am. She liked the Washington-CEO-In-A-Suit-And-In-Control type person, and I’m pretty far in the other end being a romantic fool, pretty casual, have a fine arts degree, and write mopey love songs. I’m a guy that’s extremely empathetic, focuses a lot on being a morally good person, lots of self-deprecating jokes – a far cry from the hard “Christian Grey” type she seemed to actually like.
This “other person” would sometimes pop up in distress, and it would almost be like sitting next to a different person for a few minutes. Very much a “wtf is going on here??” type deal. Sometimes it would be small facial changes or suddenly bursting out a sentence, while at a few other times it would be a fullblown crying your eyes out meltdown (and then 5 minutes later, back to poppy happy-go-lucky self). Other things would be inconsistencies like saying she didn’t care for politics, but would spend 30-60min a day speeding through mostly political news on Reddit and YouTube. Small stuff, but there nonetheless. Small side note in regards to news: it seemed almost confusing for her that I didn’t know all the details about American politics. In general, I think there was a problem for her understanding cultural differences. On the surface level, our two cultures are very alike, or seem to mostly have structural changes, but that’s really not the case. I’d say Japans culture is more similar to us than that of the US, and I think these “hidden differences” fucked with her a lot.
Anyway.
Even if she hadn’t outright said so a few times, it was obvious she was very depressed. One night she almost randomly just broke down and cried her eyes out for a solid 5 minutes, while I’m sitting there trying to comfort her. Other times she would blurt out little comments like “other people will always only look out for themselves” or “you can’t get disappointed if you don’t hope for anything”. She had been suicidal in the past and was clearly still on the verge of something serious. At one point while we were out eating, she literally looked at me and said “I wouldn’t have come here if I didn’t want to die” - which I have to say is one of the most far out comments I’ve ever received from anyone. Once she noticed the shock / hurt on my face, for obvious reasons, she added something like “I don’t mean you, I mean this situation” or something like that. When you go from a relationship with someone who wants to kill themselves if you’re not together, it’s a pretty big leap to being told the only reason someone is spending time with you is because they don’t care if they die. Even now, I still really don’t know what to say about that. Anyway, point being, she was hella depressed.
This ties into lifestyle and sexuality.
Sexually, she was heavily into BDSM. Like... real heavy into it. I’m into it. I’ve played with it. I actually know quite a bit about it, but she blew me out of the sky. With a nuke, strapping another nuke. Like, DAMN. Initially this was something I was very into, as it tied pretty much perfectly into my own sexual interests – but this quickly changed. I learned her father had beaten her and her mother a lot, and she had pretty much run away at 18 to college (scholarship), after which she had jumped straight into the hardcore BDSM scene. There, she engaged in very heavy play from day one, with a lot of people. She had a profile on a fetish site she showed me, and it was pretty much all just filled with comments from guys over the years writing how they fucked her up. I think one of them just said something like “I should have beaten you harder”. It was actually pretty depressing to read, not to mention that one of her only personal updates on that profile was a few years back, clearly distressed, talking about how “you should never think a Master is an actual friend” or something like that. At some point during all this, she tells me, she was also sexually assaulted. She was very into essentially getting beaten up or treated like trash. She had been in several “24/7 BDSM relationships”, had been with one or two dudes who liked “giving her” to other guys, and so on. She had tried aaaaalmost everything apart from an outright gangbang. On one hand she spoke very openly about it all, with zero shyness. On the other hand, one evening we were talking about sexual partners, and she refused to engage in the conversation when I asked what number of sexual partners she had had (keep in mind this is in a conversation where we also just talked about her getting fucked in public in front of a bunch of people and other similar activities, had shared abuse stories, life stories, etc. – not to mention it’s a topic casual enough in my country, that I know the number of sexual partners for both my parents and a few friends) and seemed to get outright angry/offended at the question. Almost ruined the entire evening, she REALLY didn’t like being asked, and simply stated “I don’t know, my generation doesn’t keep count”. What little reaction I got, left me with the impression that it was in the hundreds over just a few years.
Now, it might sound like I’m trying to shame her or something. That’s really not it. Fuck whoever you want, not my business what you get up to in your sex life. I’ve done some shit I don’t talk about at dinners too. But when you have a girl that essentially ran away from home because she was abused by her dad, had what I understood as a very weak mother, is obviously incredibly depressed, with obvious low self-esteem/self-worth, I can’t stand here and say that it is responsible to engage in humiliating/degrading/objectifying sexual activities with a ton of guys that don’t care about you. Moreso, I’m extremely disappointed in all the older men who apparently over the years had zero problems with fucking this girls head up. I read a post from a person on here who wrote “Power Exchange only works if there is actual power to exchange”. It didn’t feel like power exchange, it felt like taking advantage of someone. The more I learned about her, the more I felt everything we were engaging in was just enabling and furthering her unhealthy and self-destructive behavior. I tried talking to her about it, but she seemed pretty unresponsive to the conversation, and genuinely like she hadn’t thought about it, and didn’t care. She smoked weed on a daily basis, and not the lightweight kind. We went and bought some here, and she basically didn’t feel anything at all because she was used to vaping some crazy shit at home. Another sign that she wasn’t happy with her life and preferred to space out, so she didn’t have to think about it. To me at least, it appeared she had started mixing sugar dating and BDSM as pretty much her first relationships, and had at this point largely internalized them as “how normal relationships are”.
One night we were out eating, I had taken her to what is one of the most expensive restaurants in the country in a very old classic hotel, absolutely stunning interior, and I was venting a bit about what kind of expectations were placed on me by family, what type of life I was supposed to lead, and so forth. As I noted earlier, for me it’s very important to try and uphold a certain moral integrity, to be a “good person”, both trusting and trustworthy, helping out others when I can and so on. She was beyond kind in her words to me there, and reaffirmed many wonderful things on how kind of a person she thought I was. In fact, it was so “perfect”, that it made me speculate on whether it was true – though a genuine friend of mine has previously told me the same, so I bought it, and simply thought I should learn to accept a nice compliment.
One or two days later, we’re out drinking. During the trip, she told me she had previously done a Ketamine treatment for her depression about 1½ years earlier, and was saving up to go for a second treatment now, but it was very expensive. She was also engaged in 2 lawsuits with former business partners - she had ditched her scholarship midway, to start up her own business with some friends in South America, but she refused to tell me the details, yet explained how badly treated she was by different systems and people there. Basically, homegirl was hella broke and needed money for treatment and lawsuits. While I may be overreacting, keep in mind the timing she starts dropping this topic into the conversation: a day after I’ve just told her about myself as a person and my reaction to such situations.
She needed about 20k in total – I told her I wouldn’t give her that, but that I could probably help her out with half of it or something, maybe a bit more if we agreed it was a longterm loan (I was in a situation where I needed to make sure shit with my bank was flowing, before I could do much, a situation that only finally settled about 3 months ago now). I didn’t want her to feel obligated to be with me for this, so I made it clear I would send it whether we decided to stay together or not. Before you call me a complete idiot, keep in mind I thought I was building a real relationship with this girl. Her profile quite literally states “looking for something real”. So here I am, in a privileged life with little real worries, never had to fend truly for myself, with a ton of expendable capital. Yes, of course I’ll help, it sounds/sounded like a truly horrible situation. Not to mention she really needed therapy.
The rest of the trip flows fairly well. In fact, one evening out, she told me that “This might be toxic. It feels so good being here, and it’ll be crap when I get back home”. There were days where I had genuinely not felt so relaxed and at ease with a person in close to a decade. Days later, some crying goodbyes in the airport, and off she goes. We planned on meeting up again and take a trip together to Tokyo a few months later.
Now, it’s a year ago, so I might be remembering things incorrectly here, but a few days ago I got a memory of her saying something like “why does it feel like this is the last time we’ll see each other?”. At the time I completely brushed it off, I mean, it wasn’t going to be the last time obviously!
My curiosity gets the better of me, and I look if she’s still constantly logging on to SA. Before she even landed in her own airport, just the airport for the interconnecting flight, and she’s back checking SA. Maybe she never stopped checking it, I didn’t look while she was here. We talk a bit, I try and give her some extra space (we talked about that), but pretty quickly she starts disappearing for days on end again. The conversation moves more towards her financial situation. I tell her it’s still a few weeks before I can transfer any money. She talks about maybe having to join the army to avoid just going broke. Next day she writes me what I think of her being a camgirl (I told her I thought it should require some serious thought before she did that). Looking back, the timing again is interesting to say the least. I’m now thinking/realizing if it was more her telling me she needed to do these shitty jobs, so I would get my ass in gear and send her some money.
Which of course I did. I sent her some money. Sure, the trip and everything had already cost me around 5k, but a promise is a promise after all. I realized the bank thing would drag out for a while, and thought hey, I’ll just send it now. Since I didn’t want to do it over my bank, I did it to her paypal – lucky for me, PayPal put a hard cap on how much I could send in 1 month, so I could only send half the agreed amount at first (around 3500). So I sent it, and wrote her a little email (as we had agreed) saying it was a loan, and please reply back that she understood it was. Then, complete and utter silence for about a week. Then a single email pops up, with her name, email, address, and “I accept the terms of the loan”. That was the last message I ever got back from her.
Obviously, I tried to write her, both via email and WhatsApp. The messages were never read. At first I was worried, going as far as to anonymously asking for advice on her situation on different Subreddits. I think the most correct answer I got back was from a girl in a somewhat similar situation, who said “if it’s true, help her if she asks, but there’s no way she’ll accept help from you, she needs to want it herself, you won’t be able to convince her, and if you push, she’ll probably just leave”. Buuuuut then I saw she was still logging in pretty much daily to SA, which in a weird way made me feel a lot better, because hey, at least she didn’t kill herself or something. At least she was “OK”.
This is the first, and so far only, time in my life someone ghosted me and honestly it fucked with me a lot. Someone I felt very emotionally connected to, and poof, gone without any explanation (along with some money). I felt like I had opened up to someone, trusted someone, and this was just... not what I expected. I genuinely couldn’t get her out of my mind, no matter how much I tried. Nothing about anything makes any sense, and everything felt like a giant contradiction. Was she young and freaked out about emotional commitment and just noped out? One friend thinks so. Was she a clever scammer from the getgo, and so brilliant at it I’m not even sure what happened afterwards? Another friend thinks so.
I’ve dated a few other girls since, even met up with a few sugar babies afterwards, and nothing works. It’s driving me absolutely insane, and I absolutely wish I could think of something else.
Was she a scammer? If so, a pretty bad one, since she could definitely have gotten more money out of me, and had no guarantee I would fall for any of this before she committed to coming here. I sent her no money before she arrived, which she was completely cool with. If she wanted money, it would also have been a lot more logical to stick around a month longer so I could send her the other half (I obviously didn’t). And why bother replying to the email then? Why give me an address and additional mail accounts? That makes no sense. That’s like the opposite actions of a smart scammer. Not to mention the many moments that had felt truly genuine and personal between us.
At the same time, looking back it’s obvious that when she disappeared, she was just with another dude. She constantly logged in on SA. Told me about how some guy was “lending her his tesla”, you know, just out of kindness (oh, and also writing her if she wanted to go on trips with him... again, you know, just out of kindness). Looking back, she was (possibly) incredibly manipulative. Roped me into giving her more and more money, and when she finally got another good chunk just disappeared completely, all while you’re convinced you’re looking to possibly build something together here. That’s just a regular ol’ love scam.
Or am I completely misunderstanding the situation, and should really be focusing on her mental illness in all of this? There’s plenty there, if what she told me was true, to explain erratic behavior like this, or feelings of freaking out or being unworthy when someone genuinely cares for you. That’s perfectly common symptoms of such situations.
Clouding it even more, there were definitely times I was weird as well. Generational differences and cultural differences mostly, but I also had this weird feeling of walking on eggshells around her, and I was at times incredibly bad at being straight forward, and other times pretty awkward emotionally. I can’t quite explain to you why, but I suppose part of that just came from being in a very new situation – which, equally, could be said about her. Thinking about it, another bit would be how she would correct me about things fairly directly, “don’t apologize so much” (it’s a cultural thing), or “isn’t it pretty rude that you’re walking on the inside of the pavement right now?”. It put things on edge.
I’ve even thought of emailing her telling her I’d outright pay for answers, just for the clarity of mind. I’m not even kidding when I say I would be thrilled for her to coldly tell me I’m an idiot and got scammed. Christ, what wonderful peace that would give me. What I wouldn't give for proper closure. The 10 days we spent together is an unending stream of utterly contradicting actions and words, and it’s really fucking with me.
Technically I could try to write her on Facebook. I didn’t find her. I had posted a picture of us on Instagram (again, very disarming that she didn’t care at all about taking a ton of pictures and videos together, and no issue if I wanted to share it on SoMe), and Facebooks algorithm suggested her as a friend about 2 months later. I obviously didn’t try to Friend her.
So here I am. Still can’t get this girl out of my head, and frustratingly enough, still with feelings for her. On one hand, I’m very thankful for the experience – it helped me grow a lot as a person. On the other hand, it’s one of the few in my life that I wish I could go back and just erase.
She logged back in a month ago, and I can’t help but wonder what she’s up to now. I hope she's well. Maybe writing all this here will mildly help me get all this shit sorted in my brain.
EDIT: If you made it this far, bravo! If you look through the comments, you'll see people here can't decide either. Some think it was an obvious scam. Others think it was two people meeting at a bad time in their lives. Some simply conclude "accept that you'll never know".
submitted by ScandinavianSplenda to sugarlifestyleforum [link] [comments]

Always... ALWAYS clear your memory card before pawning an item

So, you can read this post for the whole backstory. Basically, a lady we'll call Leech - for reasons made clear at the end - spent a year helping her best friend, Psycho, harass my family and I over a custody dispute. Leech wasn't related to the family at all, just a friend with an affinity for causing drama. She would make fake profiles along with Psycho, and tried to fish information about us out of friends and family. Just some real nasty stuff.
Leech would take the online harassment further than Psycho, which never made any sense to me because I never had a personal problem with Leech. We had known each other back in grade school, and were even casual friends. She used our past history to try to weasel into my friends list, but I already saw that she was helping Psycho slander my name online and didn't buy into her malarkey. She then started copying my display pictures and making them into ugly memes. Any post I made public was instantly captured and mocked on her step-mothers support page.
Leech was dating the best friend of Psycho's husband. Her boyfriend had a daughter from a previous relationship, and Leech was a proud and attentive step-mother. Most of her identity revolved around being a step-mother. The page on which she posted the memes she made and posts she stole had been running for a number of years and had nearly 10k members. She created it herself. She and Psycho also started a handful of other pages for the sole purpose of harassing and mocking us. A couple I had to have legally removed, police were involved and everything.
This had been going on since before March, and for Christmas that year my wife's grandmother got each of the great-grand kids a 3DS. To save some money, she went to a pawn shop for some gently used consoles and games. This is where Karma had dealt us a sweet hand. Nana had purchased 4 3DS in total. The one my daughter just happened to get had a memory card inside full of photos. Upon a quick scan, I realized the people looked familiar...
It was Leech and her boyfriend. Over and over, dozens of photos, some a little racy. Why else would I be given this opportunity? Of course I was meant to use them, right? Haha! I immediately get to work, uploading every photo and file and set up a fake email account with bits of her information to make it look like hers. I joined any and all free dating sites I could think of, even downloaded some apps that aren't advertised as dating, but we all know that's how they are used. In short, I plastered her selfies everywhere. I refrained from using the inappropriate ones because I just didn't feel right about that. Implied loose morals was as far as I wanted to take it. I answered a couple of messages on each site to make it look more authentic, even sharing more innocent enough selfies to "prove I was the real deal".
A while ago, I had come across Leech's cell number online. She had shared it in a public comment and I was in the process of screen capping any post she made about my family. I had screen capped that comment too, but hadn't done anything with it. I was just gathering and retaining all the information I could, and my patience was about to pay off.
After giving a few guys the number, I didn't bother logging on anymore. That was enough damage, I thought. It would be easy enough for her to prove she had never visited those sites, and they should be able to recognize the photos as being taken with the crappy lens of an early 3DS. But then the other boot dropped.
After a few weeks, maybe a month, I go snooping on Leech's step-mothers support page to see if she had anything to say about my antics, but it was quiet. Weird. I check out her profile and find all her past posts have been hidden, and the boyfriend scrubbed of all photos available. When I check out his profile, there is this gigantic rant about unfaithful bitches. Oops?
Turns out, Leech had been sleeping with her boyfriend's best friend's - the guy Psycho was married to - older brother. It had been going on for some time and no one knew anything, not even Psycho. If the boyfriend hadn't confronted her about the random texts she was getting from horny guys, he never would have seen the other texts that were cleverly disguised to hide the affair.
Being a self proclaimed stay-at-home-step-mom (he had visitation every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer), Leech had no interest in holding a job. The boyfriend owned and paid for everything, including her cell phone. When he found out about the affair, he kicked her out of the house and took her phone. He pawned all of it to pay off some of the enormous debt she had put him in. The reason the 3DS was in the pawn shop at all was because he needed some extra cash. It was HIS 3DS, and he had pawned it for some money for a present for her. He wasn't able to pay it back in time and the shop owner resold the item. That's why the memory card wasn't wiped or anything. I'd say it was meant to be XD
submitted by VaticanCameos714 to ProRevenge [link] [comments]

Age Gap Relationship Survey Results - Part #1

We are an AGR couple...Nadia, the girlfriend (F27), and Fynn, the boyfriend (M49). We recently created a survey because we were curious about age gap relationships (we're obviously in one ourselves). We love reading the stories in this sub and elsewhere on Reddit and we're both a bit nerdy so we decided to see if we could collect some data and help learn if there are some common patterns that we could find in AGRs. We also love stories so it was a bit of an effort to collect "anecdata".
So the initial survey was using the free version of Survey Monkey which limited it to just 10 questions and 40 responses. We blew through that in like 45 minutes so we upgraded to the paid version of the survey tool and kept getting more and more survey responses. We added questions to the survey in a couple of tranches until it grew up to 27 questions. In total we collected 526 valid responses before we closed the survey. For the past few days, we've been reading through the survey responses and crunching the numbers. This post is the first of what we imagine is a few that will hopefully shed some light on age gap relationships but more importantly, we're hoping to spur more conversations and elicit even more stories.

Survey Design

The core idea of the survey was to ask the respondent to rate how happy they are with their AGR. We also ask them to rate how happy they think their partner is with the AGR. That's the main gist of it. We then also ask a ton of demographic and behavioral questions with the goal to see if certain things affect the overall happiness of the partners. So of the 27 questions, most of them are demographic or behavioral attributes like:
And many more factors. We'll be diving into a bunch of these looking for takeaways. We don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but while the data are interesting (sometimes very much so), we have to say that the parts that we found most interesting were the stories survey respondents told. The questions sometimes had "other" and a field for comments. Some of the respondents told amazing stories in these comments. But we also asked respondents to "tell us their story" or "what advice would you have for other age gap couple?" and the answers do not disappoint. We'll be sharing those later.

Assumptions

But first, some disclaimers. Neither of us are researchers trained in the arts of survey design or even data analysis. We're nerds who love this stuff and are always learning more, but I'm sure we've made tons of mistakes and we look forward to you all pointing them out so we can learn even more. all of the respondents came from Reddit subs (here and a handful of others). This wasn't a randomized survey. Because we added questions over a couple of days, we don't have answers to all of the questions for all of the surveys. Of the 526 complete surveys, only 193 answered all 27 questions. You'll see for some of the questions we added later, where we have somewhere between 193 and maybe 300 responses, we *assume* that those responses are representative of the entire panel of respondents. We could be wrong on that. We were not able to control for duplicates, so it's possible some people submitted multiple surveys. I'm sure there are other assumptions...we'll update this section as appropriate.

Demographics

So the first post is going to focus on the demographics of the survey respondents. As we mentioned earlier, there were 526 complete responses (bearing in mind that the first few hundred responses were only asked 10-15 questions and we added questions later). So when it makes sense, you'll see the number of respondents in the data that we share.
One of the first questions we asked was about gender. As seen in this chart, the vast majority of respondents (77%) were female. About 1% were nonbinary, agender, or transgender and the remainder (about 21%) indicated male. Frankly we were a bit surprised at first that there was such a heavy skew toward female responses, but upon further reflection we thought that since most of the respondents were the younger partner (which is more often than not the female) and also given that this subreddit has more of a "relationship discussion" feel to it that it does seem reasonable to have a large female skew.
Another thing we were curious about was whether we had enough data to look at homosexual as well as heterosexual relationships. But we only had data on 13 homosexual relationships (less than 3% of the respondents) which means for these survey results at least, we're going to focus on the heterosexual AGRs. Perhaps another survey in the future will allow us to look more deeply into homosexual relationships.
391 of the respondents indicated they were the younger partner. Of those, we had age data for 234 and the median age of the younger partner is 24.5 years old. Of the 135 respondents that indicated they were the older partner, we had age data for 79 of them and their median age was 45. We suppose it makes sense given the demographics of Reddit that we would have a sample biased toward the younger partner in the AGR. Something to keep in mind when we look at the happiness data is the perspective and whether if differs between the youngeolder partner. When we look at just the younger partner respondents, the range was wide from the youngest (17) to the oldest (56). We cross referenced the age of the younger partner and the age gap which you can visualize in this heat map. The rows are the age of the younger respondent and the columns is the age gap (5-year ranges). The colors are green (low frequency), yellow (medium frequency), and red (high frequency). The most common age / age gap is 23 years old for the younger partner and an 11-15 year age gap. 80% of the younger respondents are 29 years old or less. And, in fact, the most common age gap for younger partner respondents is 11-15 years, however as this chart shows, there is a wide distribution of age gaps ranging from <5 to >30 years.
If we look at the older partner respondents, we see a different pattern in the age gap by age data which you can see from this chart. The most common age gap is still 11-15 years.
We also found that 56 were AGRs where the male was the younger partner in the couple, or just over 10% of the responses to the survey. The age gap for younger male couples seem to be a bit smaller than with younger female couples. This chart shows that the most common age gap is 5-10 years (compared to 10-15 for younger female couples). We find this to be an interesting data point. Just anecdotally, it feels like far fewer than 10% of the posts in /agegap are about a younger male couple so perhaps these relationships are under represented in the forum? An interesting question.
We also looked at the length of the AGR. While about 1/3 of AGR couples have been together *already* for less than one year, we were surprised to learn that 30% have been together for 1-2 years and a whopping 15%+ have been together for more than 5 years! Based on the comments there were some couples who had been together for 30 or even 40+ years. Very heart warming stories we hope to share later.
We looked at ethnicity as well. The overwhelming majority (75%) of respondents identified as white as were their partners (77%). Zooming in on the younger partner, we found about 8% identified as Asian and another 8% identified as multiracial. This one was hard. As an interracial couple ourselves, we were sort of hoping to see more interracial couples (selfishly wanted to see more data on that) but we didn't really get enough data to dive more deeply into that. Perhaps an AGR is hard enough so interracial AGRs are just that much more rare?
We did ask a bunch more questions on things like height and body type. We're very skeptical that these have any impact on happiness, but if we get bored we might go back and look. We only mention it in case someone has a theory they want to share that we can investigate further.
The majority (nearly 60%) of respondents indicated "Dating" when asked about their relationship status. But another 12% were engaged to be married and nearly 19% were married already. There were another 10% that listed "other" on relationship status and those included answers like, FWB, cohabitating, split apart, sugar dating, "it's complicated", and many other descriptions. What's clear is that AGRs can be just as simple or just as complicated as non-AGR relationships!
We also asked what their living arrangements were. 51% indicated they were living together and since we're in a LDR at the moment, we were *very* jealous! But actually 11% of respondents were, like us, in a long distance relationship, so that will definitely be something that we analyze in our next post on the happiness results.
We asked respondents how they met and these data were fascinating. 19% met on regular dating website or apps. We were surprised at first at how low that figure was. At least 55% of the first connections were made in-person. That's very different (we think) from non-age gap dating these days (even for older demographics). There were some interesting findings like 7% of couples met via websites that specialize in sugar dating. Another 18% indicated "other" and reading through the comments there are so many different ways couples met including, online gaming, kink sites like Fetlife, randomly through sites like Omegle, Church, school, parents, jury duty, the list goes on. Some of these stories are amazing! We're going to talk more about the anecdotes in the 3rd post on the survey results and we assure you that you'll be excited...we were!

What is next?

So this pretty much wraps up "part 1" (the demographics). Next will be "part 2" which will focus on the overall happiness data. This includes happiness of the respondent, their partner, family members' approval, etc. We'll look at happiness and how that varies by all the different demographic data we described above. For example, does happiness vary by age gap? Or does it vary by how the couple met?
Finally, in "part 3" we're going to dive deep into the "stories." We collected a bunch of stories asking questions like, "What do you worry about most?" or "What advice do you have for other AGR couples just getting started?" And our favorite, "What's your story?" Some of these are just heartwarming. Others sad so strap yourself in!
Let us know what you think so far. Is this interesting? What are your hypotheses? The more we can hear, the more we'll be able to answer as we do the data analysis. And hopefully we can use these data to dispel some myths and make things easier for folks interested in age gap relationships.
Thanks for reading!
Nadia & Fynn
PS. We've been toying with the idea of either creating a blog or launching a website (with a blog) so we can post more of these data and the surveys in a format that's more readable (e.g. including charts and graphics). What do you think? How interesting would you find that?
submitted by steelmanfallacy to AgeGap [link] [comments]

Age Gap Relationship Survey Results - Part #1

We are an AGR couple...Nadia, the girlfriend (F27), and Fynn, the boyfriend (M49). We recently created a survey because we were curious about age gap relationships (we're obviously in one ourselves). We love reading the stories in this sub and elsewhere on Reddit and we're both a bit nerdy so we decided to see if we could collect some data and help learn if there are some common patterns that we could find in AGRs. We also love stories so it was a bit of an effort to collect "anecdata".
So the initial survey was using the free version of Survey Monkey which limited it to just 10 questions and 40 responses. We blew through that in like 45 minutes so we upgraded to the paid version of the survey tool and kept getting more and more survey responses. We added questions to the survey in a couple of tranches until it grew up to 27 questions. In total we collected 526 valid responses before we closed the survey. For the past few days, we've been reading through the survey responses and crunching the numbers. This post is the first of what we imagine is a few that will hopefully shed some light on age gap relationships but more importantly, we're hoping to spur more conversations and elicit even more stories.

Survey Design

The core idea of the survey was to ask the respondent to rate how happy they are with their AGR. We also ask them to rate how happy they think their partner is with the AGR. That's the main gist of it. We then also ask a ton of demographic and behavioral questions with the goal to see if certain things affect the overall happiness of the partners. So of the 27 questions, most of them are demographic or behavioral attributes like:
And many more factors. We'll be diving into a bunch of these looking for takeaways. We don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but while the data are interesting (sometimes very much so), we have to say that the parts that we found most interesting were the stories survey respondents told. The questions sometimes had "other" and a field for comments. Some of the respondents told amazing stories in these comments. But we also asked respondents to "tell us their story" or "what advice would you have for other age gap couple?" and the answers do not disappoint. We'll be sharing those later.

Assumptions

But first, some disclaimers. Neither of us are researchers trained in the arts of survey design or even data analysis. We're nerds who love this stuff and are always learning more, but I'm sure we've made tons of mistakes and we look forward to you all pointing them out so we can learn even more. All of the respondents came from Reddit subs (here and a handful of others). This wasn't a randomized survey. Because we added questions over a couple of days, we don't have answers to all of the questions for all of the surveys. Of the 526 complete surveys, only 193 answered all 27 questions. You'll see for some of the questions we added later, where we have somewhere between 193 and maybe 300 responses, we *assume* that those responses are representative of the entire panel of respondents. We could be wrong on that. We were not able to control for duplicates, so it's possible some people submitted multiple surveys. I'm sure there are other assumptions...we'll update this section as appropriate.

Demographics

So the first post is going to focus on the demographics of the survey respondents. As we mentioned earlier, there were 526 complete responses (bearing in mind that the first few hundred responses were only asked 10-15 questions and we added questions later). So when it makes sense, you'll see the number of respondents in the data that we share.
One of the first questions we asked was about gender. As seen in this chart, the vast majority of respondents (77%) were female. About 1% were nonbinary, agender, or transgender and the remainder (about 21%) indicated male. Frankly we were a bit surprised at first that there was such a heavy skew toward female responses, but upon further reflection we thought that since most of the respondents were the younger partner (which is more often than not the female) and also given that this subreddit has more of a "relationship discussion" feel to it that it does seem reasonable to have a large female skew.
Another thing we were curious about was whether we had enough data to look at homosexual as well as heterosexual relationships. But we only had data on 13 homosexual relationships (less than 3% of the respondents) which means for these survey results at least, we're going to focus on the heterosexual AGRs. Perhaps another survey in the future will allow us to look more deeply into homosexual relationships.
391 of the respondents indicated they were the younger partner. Of those, we had age data for 234 and the median age of the younger partner is 24.5 years old. Of the 135 respondents that indicated they were the older partner, we had age data for 79 of them and their median age was 45. We suppose it makes sense given the demographics of Reddit that we would have a sample biased toward the younger partner in the AGR. Something to keep in mind when we look at the happiness data is the perspective and whether if differs between the youngeolder partner. When we look at just the younger partner respondents, the range was wide from the youngest (17) to the oldest (56). We cross referenced the age of the younger partner and the age gap which you can visualize in this heat map. The rows are the age of the younger respondent and the columns is the age gap (5-year ranges). The colors are green (low frequency), yellow (medium frequency), and red (high frequency). The most common age / age gap is 23 years old for the younger partner and an 11-15 year age gap. 80% of the younger respondents are 29 years old or less. And, in fact, the most common age gap for younger partner respondents is 11-15 years, however as this chart shows, there is a wide distribution of age gaps ranging from <5 to >30 years.
If we look at the older partner respondents, we see a different pattern in the age gap by age data which you can see from this chart. The most common age gap is still 11-15 years.
We also found that 56 were AGRs where the male was the younger partner in the couple, or just over 10% of the responses to the survey. The age gap for younger male couples seem to be a bit smaller than with younger female couples. This chart shows that the most common age gap is 5-10 years (compared to 10-15 for younger female couples). We find this to be an interesting data point. Just anecdotally, it feels like far fewer than 10% of the posts in /agegap are about a younger male couple so perhaps these relationships are under represented in the forum? An interesting question.
We also looked at the length of the AGR. While about 1/3 of AGR couples have been together *already* for less than one year, we were surprised to learn that 30% have been together for 1-2 years and a whopping 15%+ have been together for more than 5 years! Based on the comments there were some couples who had been together for 30 or even 40+ years. Very heart warming stories we hope to share later.
We looked at ethnicity as well. The overwhelming majority (75%) of respondents identified as white as were their partners (77%). Zooming in on the younger partner, we found about 8% identified as Asian and another 8% identified as multiracial. This one was hard. As an interracial couple ourselves, we were sort of hoping to see more interracial couples (selfishly wanted to see more data on that) but we didn't really get enough data to dive more deeply into that. Perhaps an AGR is hard enough so interracial AGRs are just that much more rare?
We did ask a bunch more questions on things like height and body type. We're very skeptical that these have any impact on happiness, but if we get bored we might go back and look. We only mention it in case someone has a theory they want to share that we can investigate further.
The majority (nearly 60%) of respondents indicated "Dating" when asked about their relationship status. But another 12% were engaged to be married and nearly 19% were married already. There were another 10% that listed "other" on relationship status and those included answers like, FWB, cohabitating, split apart, sugar dating, "it's complicated", and many other descriptions. What's clear is that AGRs can be just as simple or just as complicated as non-AGR relationships!
We also asked what their living arrangements were. 51% indicated they were living together and since we're in a LDR at the moment, we were *very* jealous! But actually 11% of respondents were, like us, in a long distance relationship, so that will definitely be something that we analyze in our next post on the happiness results.
We asked respondents how they met and these data were fascinating. 19% met on regular dating website or apps. We were surprised at first at how low that figure was. At least 55% of the first connections were made in-person. That's very different (we think) from non-age gap dating these days (even for older demographics). There were some interesting findings like 7% of couples met via websites that specialize in sugar dating. Another 18% indicated "other" and reading through the comments there are so many different ways couples met including, online gaming, kink sites like Fetlife, randomly through sites like Omegle, Church, school, parents, jury duty, the list goes on. Some of these stories are amazing! We're going to talk more about the anecdotes in the 3rd post on the survey results and we assure you that you'll be excited...we were!

What is next?

So this pretty much wraps up "part 1" (the demographics). Next will be "part 2" which will focus on the overall happiness data. This includes happiness of the respondent, their partner, family members' approval, etc. We'll look at happiness and how that varies by all the different demographic data we described above. For example, does happiness vary by age gap? Or does it vary by how the couple met?
Finally, in "part 3" we're going to dive deep into the "stories." We collected a bunch of stories asking questions like, "What do you worry about most?" or "What advice do you have for other AGR couples just getting started?" And our favorite, "What's your story?" Some of these are just heartwarming. Others sad so strap yourself in!
Let us know what you think so far. Is this interesting? What are your hypotheses? The more we can hear, the more we'll be able to answer as we do the data analysis. And hopefully we can use these data to dispel some myths and make things easier for folks interested in age gap relationships.
Thanks for reading!
Nadia & Fynn
PS. We've been toying with the idea of either creating a blog or launching a website (with a blog) so we can post more of these data and the surveys in a format that's more readable (e.g. including charts and graphics). What do you think? How interesting would you find that?
submitted by steelmanfallacy to AgeGapRelationship [link] [comments]

Guy I just started chatting with asked the last time I had sex and then can’t handle the truth.

Guy I just started chatting with asks the last time I had sex and can’t handle the truth when I’m honest with him!
I just started chatting with a guy a couple days ago on FB dating. He asked what I was looking for, when my last relationship was and last time I had sex. I hesitated to answer the last question, but figured I’d be honest. I told him my best friend of nearly 10 years is also my housemate. We’ve never dated and never been into each other that way. We finally decided after being cooped-up in the house and not wanting to be around anyone outside of the house during Covid that we would experiment with each other since neither of us go outside the house much these days, are both STD free and care about each other a lot and know it won’t ruin our friendship, which it hasn’t. In fact, it’s so good that I wonder why I never gave in before, (we both brought up being FWB in the past, but at different times in our lives and our wants never matched up at the same time before). So, when the guy I was chatting with asked when the last time I had sex was, I explained the situation, was honest and said, “last night”.
He can’t handle it. He said that’s a situation he doesn’t like, (that’s fine with me, his decision). Then he asks, “you fucked last night? Do you do it all the time?” “You gonna keep fucking him while you try to talk to guys on this site?”, like I’m some sort of whore or something. I explained that I have never and don’t plan on cheating on my boyfriends. If I meet someone where there is mutual chemistry in person, I’ll probably stop with the best friend. I will for sure stop if I start dating or sleeping with someone else or end up in a relationship.
I feel women probably don’t ask this question and if they did, maybe they’d take it better when they heard the hard truth. I’m not gonna remain celibate just because I’m doing online dating and need to save myself for some random man I’ve never met. I’m also not going to go sleep with someone I don’t know well, especially during the Covid Crisis. My ex-boyfriend was obsessed with and had huge issues with the fact that someone I had a whirlwind pseudo-romance, (never dated, but acted like we were...involved emotionally and physically), with and we ended up not working out. He became my other best friend and also one of my several housemates. I never cheated on my ex BF, never even thought of it. It is obvious my now-friend who I had the whirlwind “romance” with wants nothing with me romantically or sexually. My ex was always talking about how I was going to fuck him or end up with him when I had no interest nor him in me. Am I wrong to think guys just need to understand that I’ve dated guys in the past who didn’t work out and are now my platonic best friends? Am I wrong to be annoyed that guys seems so judgemental and possessive before I’ve even met them? “I had a life before I met you!” I would think it’s a good sign I ended-up good friends with guys I used to date.
To clarify: I never told him the sex with the friend was awesome and I shouldn’t have waited so long. I am honest, but not that insensitive! 🙂 Also, the guy in question accepted my answer of not going to have sex with my roommate after I find someone to date and our conversation has moved on to other topics. Not sure how long I want to chat with him, but I’m being open-minded, especially because he is.
submitted by Eliza03 to datingoverthirty [link] [comments]

Lana is a scam, it's all a scam, POV of an Eastern European

So I've been reading a lot of theories about Lana. How it's cultural how this how that. It's not cultural, it's a scam. I'm from Croatia, which isn't as poor as Ukraine, but it's still Eastern Europe and we're all very similar.
There's literally hundreds of sites like this in Eastern Europe. They pay some girl for her photos and then somebody else pretends to be her online. All these sites require you to pay either for messages(10 messages for like $50) or you can send gifts etc. And the person pretending to be the girl gets a provision. Often times it's pensioners or young college students pretending.
The people pretending will always be open to you, flirt with you, give you compliments just to draw you in. They will also always tell you that they don't have any social media with excuses like "stalker ex-boyfriend beat me" and that's also why they'll never give you their phone number "I'm scared because of my past experience" and will demand you stay on the site "just a little longer, please"
There is nothing cultural about her behavior. She's clearly a woman in her mid 30s, probably married and who's openly disgusted by David. The producers most likely reached out to her with the help from the site and offered her decent money to show up and if there's anything an average Ukrainian needs these days it's money.
So yeah, for all you old Americans out there. The next time a hot, blonde 25 years old Ukrainian or Russian girl tells you that she loves you on AnastasiaDate it's probably a 70 years old babushka trying to survive on $100 a month or 18 years old Vitaly laughing at how gullible you are.
submitted by Donikes to 90DayFiance [link] [comments]

Guy I just started chatting with asked when the last time I had sex was and then couldn’t handle the truth.

Guy I (F44) just started chatting with asks the last time I had sex and can’t handle the truth when I’m honest with him!
I just started chatting with a guy a couple days ago on FB dating. He asked what I was looking for, when my last relationship was and last time I had sex. I hesitated to answer the last question, but figured I’d be honest. I told him my best friend of nearly 10 years is also my housemate. We’ve never dated and never been into each other that way. We finally decided after being cooped-up in the house and not wanting to be around anyone outside of the house during Covid that we would experiment with each other since neither of us go outside the house much these days, are both STD free and care about each other a lot and know it won’t ruin our friendship, which it hasn’t. In fact, it’s so good that I wonder why I never gave in before, (we both brought up being FWB in the past, but at different times in our lives and our wants never matched up at the same time before). So, when the guy I was chatting with asked when the last time I had sex was, I explained the situation, was honest and said, “last night”.
He can’t handle it. He said that’s a situation he doesn’t like, (that’s fine with me, his decision). Then he asks, “you fucked last night? Do you do it all the time?” “You gonna keep fucking him while you try to talk to guys on this site?”, like I’m some sort of whore or something. I explained that I have never and don’t plan on cheating on my boyfriends. If I meet someone where there is mutual chemistry in person, I’ll probably stop with the best friend. I will for sure stop if I start dating or sleeping with someone else or end up in a relationship.
I feel women probably don’t ask this question and if they did, maybe they’d take it better when they heard the hard truth. I’m not gonna remain celibate just because I’m doing online dating and need to save myself for some random man I’ve never met. I’m also not going to go sleep with someone I don’t know well, especially during the Covid Crisis. My ex-boyfriend was obsessed with and had huge issues with the fact that someone I had a whirlwind pseudo-romance, (never dated, but acted like we were...involved emotionally and physically), with and we ended up not working out. He became my other best friend and also one of my several housemates. I never cheated on my ex BF, never even thought of it. It is obvious my now-friend who I had the whirlwind “romance” with wants nothing with me romantically or sexually. My ex was always talking about how I was going to fuck him or end up with him when I had no interest nor him in me. Am I wrong to think guys just need to understand that I’ve dated guys in the past who didn’t work out and are now my platonic best friends? Am I wrong to be annoyed that guys seems so judgemental and possessive before I’ve even met them? “I had a life before I met you!” I would think it’s a good sign I ended-up good friends with guys I used to date.
submitted by Eliza03 to datingoverforty [link] [comments]

How do I come back from this?

My wife and I have been married for 14 years, together for 19. About 6 years ago we separated. She moved back to her parents for a few months. Prior to the separation I discovered she was communicating with another man from her hometown, old high school friend. She had gone home to visit prior to discussing any separation and I found text messages that confirmed they spent time together in a hotel during that visit. She would never admit anything physical happened, but it seemed obvious to me. We reconciled, had a kid and things seemed to be really great in the 6 years since.
In February 2020, I get a text while out running errands saying we need to talk. No idea what it was about. Come home and she is crying, saying she wants to end it, loves me not in love with me, etc. I calm her down and try to get to the bottom of it. The next day she tells me, for the sake of transparency she says, that there is another man she is crushing on. There has been no contact and he doesn’t even know how she feels. A few weeks before telling me she wants out, her sex drive goes through the roof, telling me she wants to experiment with various kinks. All of this obviously makes me very suspicious so I became obsessed with her online activity. I discovered she had multiple profiles on various dating and cheating sites. She was messaging several different guys that she went to school with or had known through friends basically begging them to have sex with her when she returns home to visit this summer. I confront her with what I found and asked her to focus only on me while we work on our marriage. She agrees. Two days later I watch her conversation on messenger as she attempts to arrange a hotel stay with an old high school boyfriend. Another confrontation ensues and she swears she’s done with all that. She seems to stay honest for the next 6 weeks. Then she starts communicating with a new batch of guys, same pattern, but no signs that she ever met any of them. Just sexting and naked pics. Confront her again, big fight, swears it won’t happen again. Two days later, she reaches out to yet another guy. Major fight, I leave. Come back the next day, with a promise from her that it’s over. The next weekend she’s holding her phone and I can clearly see she’s texting another man. Being so tired of fighting and wanting my marriage to work for the kid, I decide to just let it run it’s course, sure that she’d never actually act on any of this and it’s just a phase. I tune out and leave it alone. Fast forward a couple months and she is getting ready for her trip home to visit her family. I start monitoring again and see that she is still up to it, sending pics, flirting and making plans. I struggled with weather or not to confront, but decided that I had to know if she was really just being a tease and she would grow out of it or if she’d actually go through with sleeping with someone else. I watch in horror via text messages (had her Apple ID synced to my old iPhone) her plan, announce her presence at the guys house when she got there before him and send pics to him to prove it. All the while lying to me about her location. No more text are exchanged that night but in the morning she text the guy a message that confirms, in my mind, that they had sex. Once I finally catch my breath and get my bearings I call and confront her, tell her we are through and that her stuff will be on the curb when she gets back. After lying and being confronted with the evidence, she admits to being there and making out and some hand stuff but stopped immediately after the actual sex started and left as soon as she sobered up. I don’t believe anything she says, and despite swearing I’d never divorce her because of our child, I don’t see how I can continue.
TLDR: my wife definitely cheated once, probably cheated previously, continually throws her self at other guys online and can’t stop. My marriage is over, right?
submitted by Abject-Newspaper to survivinginfidelity [link] [comments]

Boyfriend (M/30) is a serial cheater and just choked me (F/22)

It has been a couple hours since he just choked me and I started to black out and he let go, sorry if I’m all over the place, I just need advice on what to do and I’ll be happy to clarify/answer questions. I’ll make a TLDR.
This is probably going to be a long post but my boyfriend (M/30) and I (F/22) met 4 years ago and started seeing each other then.
Basically he never respected me and first month into our relationship he asked for a girl’s phone number, they ended up going for a walk which he hid from me and she ended up saying her mom didn’t want her to hang out with him (she’s probably around the same age as me at the time). I just found out from him that he got her number probably when we started dating (which he asked me to). They ran into each other again about a year later at a job site. This was when I made my first boundary clear of never initiating any contact with her. He got laid off about a month or so and he told me he messaged her on fb. He thought that was fine since he “was just asking how the job was” when I looked at it and they talked about other stuff too. This was so big to me and I cried for a long time which I just learned how to cope with because “it’s only text” when he admitted recently that he was too much of a coward to talk to her irl.
We were still together and despite his shittiness, we clicked a lot in terms of life goals. We were both minimalists, frugal (maybe i was the only one but I’ll get to that later), didn’t want kids, didn’t really care for a marriage and etc. Wemoved in 2 years ago, when I was 20 because it seemed like natural progression and we started to work together at a cam site. You can only get paid to one account and in the beginning it was going to me because honestly I was the one putting in the work with the tech and advertising part.
He owns a house and rents the top suite. We decided to cash out with the money in his account since the bills were coming out his account (in hindsight, I’m drinking dumb bitch juice). At this time I had about 30k in savings from past jobs (worked since I was in high school) that did not involve him. I’m very frugal and was always minimalistic since material goods don’t interest me. He convinced me that his house was an investment so I helped him pay for renovations for the basement and the upstairs. Completely gutted the kitchen, redid the heating, flooring, ceiling, etc. He ended up taking about 30k in debt out which I helped him pay.
This time when I moved in I caught him talking to other girls online under the guise that he’s “learning a new language” (LOL i told him about an app that helps people talk to strangers to learn languages, I feel so stupid for giving him the idea). Anyways he downloaded other apps clearly for dating from Russia and started talking to them on whatsapp, instagram, facebook, and I could see they’re talking in fucking english so he’s not “learning a language”.
He deleted them after a long persuasion on my part, but he told me he doesn’t consider this cheating. I had so many breakdowns because I never truly trusted him but I thought I loved him and what he was saying made sense. I think I ended up self-gaslighting and telling myself it wasn’t that bad even though that was literally how he welcomed me to his home and how I’ll forever remember that place. Sorry I’m rambling.
So through camming, we weren’t making a lot, but we wanted to travel. We made a livable wage as we traveled Asia for 11 months while the house wasn’t being rented out for the most part, so I was helping pay bills and the mortgage. The first couple of months I don’t think he talked to anybody- cheating wise.
Quarantine hit and we had cancelled flights and just got back here in Canada about a month ago. We quarantined for 2 weeks at my parents basement and we are still here.
So here’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. About two weeks ago, I asked to check the credit card bills. This whole time in Asia we were just using his credit card since the money was going to him, I wanted to know how much we spent for groceries and budget and compare when we start spending here. He got super super protective and I knew he was hiding something. Basically he trickle truthed me and it turns out, he was following a bunch of cam girls online in the same site we worked in and paid (he says) about a grand! This is so wild to me. I was completely blindsided and never thought he would be someone to do this when I never said no to sex even when I did not at all want to after any of his past d-days. I had no idea since in jan/feb i caught him with an account which he later showed me he wasn’t following anyone and we deleted it in front of my eyes. I ended up breaking up with him for a little bit after this but we got back together. Turns out that was a fake account and the real account he’s using, he’s spending so much money on this whole year behind my back with the money WE’RE earning!
Ever since he’s telling me NOW he’s told me he will be brutally honest with me, telling me all details, he gave me all the remaining money, he says I can look through his credit card (I’m gathering the courage to do this so I can screenshot this and actually compute how much he spent). He says I can have his account and look through it and he hasn’t deleted anything (again I want to screenshot this before deleting it when I get the courage to see).
So my emotions have been empty to rage to immense hurt and sorrow. I thought at least it’s not emotional and he didn’t create a bond with them blah blah. We ended up signing a lease last week, it’s month to month and I LOVE the place but I honestly don’t think I want him there. I was scared of leaving because we make an income together but honestly I think I can get by just being solo once I get my shit together.
Today he goes back and forth to trying to comfort me but all I hear are excuses and he’s saying he’s explaining himself but I kept calling him a POS, he lost it and put me in a chokehold, I kept flailing my legs and tapping his forearms. I started to black out and even after he let go all I could remember was gasping for air and my eyesight being blurry trying to claw at him even though I couldn’t properly see. I entered a state of shock after that and couldn’t stop gasping and he kept asking me how I’m feeling but honestly, I did not want to talk at all. He has done this before once when we were in Asia but not to the extent of me almost blacking out. After I got my phone and got voice recordings of us talking about how he choked me for evidence. So now i think it’ll be best if he’s out of my life despite the ties we have together- work ties, family ties, friend ties. I want what I invested in his house back and my money back but I really do not know if I can even do that otherwise I just want to kick him out.
TLDR: boyfriend is a serial cheat and we shared an income for more than two years. This was used for his mortgage and rental property and now we are supposedly about to move in to a place together but I do not want him there. He also just choked me and I have some voice recording evidence of that. I can also get evidence of the cheating through credit card and his account since he said he is willing to show me.
Edit: Not sure if I should’ve added this or if this is normal, but my vision is slightly blurry and I have a hard time focusing my eyes. Idk if I’m just lightheaded though. He choked me in a rear naked type choke because he does jiujitsu. I’ve done jiujitsu for a bit before but obviously never gotten choked like this since I was tapping and struggling. I honestly do not think I am in dire danger right now and I do plan on leaving.
submitted by throwaway900044000 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

My (24f) boyfriend (32m) has faked the existance of a common friend

This is such a weird situation and I don't freaking know what's going on or what to do.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months. Right now he's staying at my place due to being on sick leave and the Corona situation.
After we had been dating for about two months he introduced me (online, over chat) to a friend of his, another trans girl (I am trans) who he thought I'd get along with since we're both trans girls and we shared some interests. We started chatting and got along great. She lives in a city that's kinda near, but not near enough to go there for a random trip. I've been chatting with her to and fro since, and we planned to meet during Christmas. However, something came up and she couldn't make it. We planned to meet at an event in late February, but it got canceled due to Corona. I'm not much for voice chatting, so I haven't talked to her even once, only written chats. This is normal for me. Over time, I got to know her fairly well, and occasionally talked with her about my relationship with my boyfriend. Hey, why not, she knows him and has known him for longer than I have. Maybe I can learn something about him from her.
A few times, my boyfriend would mention something I had been talking about with her just one or two days prior and I thought it was weird, but disregarded it as mere coincidence. It didn't happen often enough to warrant suspicion.
Then today, just an hour or two after chatting with her about her new girlfriend, I happened to catch a glance at my boyfriends iPad when he had discord open. I saw her icon in the chat, nothing weird, maybe he chatted with her too, but... I also saw what I thought was my profile pic in the chat. Now that's weird. And my boyfriend tabbed out of discord very quickly.
A little later, he went to the bathroom without locking his iPad (which is again completely normal) and I decided to take a look. I opened discord, and logged in... Is her. She is logged in on his iPad. The conversation I saw was the one we had had just prior.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I took a screenshot to send to myself and as I did I noticed some other pictures in his album. The picture of the girlfriend that was just sent. And the picture it was cropped from. I also saw a picture of her in the album. I sent all of them to me, saved them on my phone and then deleted them from the chat, (and deleted the screenshot from the album) so my boyfriend wouldn't notice.
Later, when he was taking a nap, I started googling stuff.
I dug up an older picture she has sent of herself, and put them all through Google. One of the selfies, no hits. The other selfie. So. Many. Hits. This picture had been posted all over the internet it seemed, often on sites categorizing it as "cross dressing" or "trap". Similar result when I searched the full picture of the girlfriend. Seems like that's some porn actress.
So. My boyfriend has constructed this person in order to... I don't know? Talk with me about our relationship while pretending to be someone else?
My boyfriends ex lives in the same town as this girl, and according to my bf the ex has been a real jerk since they broke up. Now the creepy part is that this girl has "reported" on things his ex has been doing to mess with him, like getting him banned from a game store in that town. So all those things must be things he's made up and told me through her?
I feel like I don't know who I'm dating anymore. If he can make up a whole person (including making a social media page for her) well enough to keep me fooled for 8 months, what else has he been lying about?? We were planning to move in together after this summer and now I don't know what to do.
I'm confused and honestly terrified. He's never showed aggressive tendencies but if he wanted to he could easily kill me becuaweof how much stronger he is. I'm scared to confront him about it.
TL;DR: I just found out that one of our common friends is a fabrication of my boyfriend. She doesn't exist. He's been fooling me for 8 months. What do I do??
submitted by i_am_totes_anon to relationships [link] [comments]

Another glitter mystery: Who is Aylana?

Spend enough time on the internet, and you'll start to notice patterns. What do these three graphics have in common? All of them show up in the first few rows upon searching Google for "glitter graphics", and it is likely that similar software was used to animate each of them. But you probably wouldn't think to attribute a designer's name to the stock glitter animation. Yet a name can be found: all three images use graphics by an artist named Aylana.
This is a mystery that has been with me, in some shape or form, since 2007. As far as I know it has not been discussed anywhere else on the internet. I still remember exactly where it was that I first discovered Aylana's name, so let's start from there.
In 2007, the virtual pet site Neopets was still at the height of its popularity. At that time there was a thriving community of Neopets fansites, which were mostly developed by teenage girls who had learned HTML and CSS from the tutorials on Neopets. The scope of this community was immense, and most nostalgic recollections, while accurate in describing how it launched the careers of many female web developers today, completely fail to capture its scale. At some point, there were literally hundreds of fansites with names that were various permutations of "Neo" and common words: names like SnowyNeo, FadingNeo and NeoIce.
Most of these websites would offer some pixel art, a couple of Photoshop tutorials and glitter graphics, which were carefully assembled by young teenagers working on their parents' computers after school. This was an era when internet purchases were still viewed with suspicion, and children generally did not have access to means of payment, so the majority of these sites were hosted under free web hosts like Freewebs and GeoCities. Lucky were the ones who had access to a host offering PHP, because they could post updates through a rudimentary CMS called CuteNews instead of editing pages by hand. Luckier still were the ones who owned their own domain!
One fansite was called Darkest Faerie Lair. As an eight-year-old I found this fansite notable for three reasons: first, it did not contain "Neo" in its name; second, it was hosted under the creator's own domain, albeit under a subdirectory; and lastly, it offered coding tutorials. Back then Neopets was owned by the media conglomerate Viacom, and though I am not too clear on the details of this, at some point the owner Jenny was forced to remove all Neopets artwork from the site, apparently due to stringent copyright policies. The result was that the website was stripped of virtually all of its graphics, because Neopets artwork was the lifeblood of these fansites. Eventually Jenny's interest in Neopets faded and she moved her coding tutorials to an independent website by the name of Spider's Web Tutorials.
Spider's Web Tutorials offered design tutorials as well, and in particular there was a series of Sparkle Name tutorials. In the tutorials, there are links to several websites from which you can obtain glitter animations, the first of which is Bring on the Glitter.
The website is charming and innocuous; it harkens back to a time when visiting a website felt more like staying at a guest at somebody's home than viewing a public exhibition. There is a banner reading "designByAylana", but the contents of the site provide no indication as to who Aylana is. Which was all fine, because back then, in the early 2000s, anonymity on the internet was considered to be sacred; it would've been downright impudent for a reader to demand to know the identity of the person behind the site. The website offered dozens of pages of animated glitter graphics, and that was its only purpose. Upon visiting virtually any of the pages, you'll see multiple recolours of that glitter animation with the two, bright eight-pointed stars, the stamp which identifies a graphic as using graphics made by Aylana. I used the animations to create a sparkly name for myself, then for my sister, and then in some Neopets graphics, all while wondering who was behind the website.
One day my curiosity led me to remove the page's name from the end of the URL, and I was led to this page. The link on the page did not immediately lead me to the familiar navigation with glitter links, but to an ominous notice of Aylana's recent hospitalization. This file is not dated; by the time I discovered it, it had already been up for four years, but I was ignorant of the existence of the Wayback Machine. The page seemed to be stuck in time; it could've been up for ten years, five, or only a week. My curiosity grew deeper, leading me to go up another directory, this time by removing everything after "aylana".
Folder permissions did not seem to be common knowledge in the earlier days of the internet. In Edward Snowden's autobiography, he describes how he, as a teenager, stumbled upon some highly classified documents by poking around the file systems of government websites -- baby's first hack. I was able to find a list of personal files that were obviously not meant for me to view. As a child with a fairly developed sense of morality, I didn't click on them, and I recall feeling like I had gravely invaded somebody's privacy. (How things change in a span of thirteen years, now that I am linking to it for all of Reddit to see!) So I closed my browser and tried to forget about what I had seen...
...until a couple of years later, when, in a bout of nostalgia, I decided to revisit that glitter website which had intrigued me so much. But now there was a new message on the hospital page:
In honor of Aylana, wherever she may be, this is her site, welcome one an all. Warm Regards, Bemymind
So Aylana had vanished from the internet shortly after her hospitalization, and nobody knew where she was. In fact, the message strongly implied that there was a possibility of Aylana having passed away. I figured that if she were dead, then I would've been able to locate an obituary, although I only really had two clues: Aylana and WebTV. I will outsource the task of describing WebTV to Wikipedia:
MSN TV (formerly WebTV) was a web access product consisting of a thin client device which used a television for display (instead of using a computer monitor), and the online service that supported it.
Aylana's website was hosted on a service called WTV Zone, which offered web space primarily to users of WebTV. On Bring On The Glitter, she makes several references to the community surrounding WebTV. What I found was something quite unexpected; it was an online book spanning almost two hundred pages, compiled for Aylana by a man in his 80s, who had carried on an internet correspondence with her from the years of 1997 to 2003. Out of respect for the author, I will not provide a direct link to the book, as it was obviously not meant to be read by anybody other than the person whom the man believed Aylana to be. However, it is still available in its entirety on the internet and easily located through a quick Google search.
The book contains dozens of emails sent between Aylana and the elderly man, from which I was able to gather information about the person whom Aylana said she was. Aylana Ciane van der Haagen was born in 1980 as a scion of a prominent Norwegian noble family which owned multiple art galleries across European continent. She was expected by her father to eventually cease her communications with her internet friends and to succeed him as the director of the galleries. Even from the beginning, she made it clear that her activities on the internet were not, and could not, be permanent. At the time her boyfriend was an American, whom I will refer to as "B", who was about a decade older than her, and her parents did not fully approve of the age difference. In her emails, she comes across as willful, determined, with a calm dignity uncommon for somebody so young. At one point she gains a high position in her family's company and she begins to write detailed accounts of her days at work. Later on, after a hospitalization and subsequent recovery, she embarks on a series of international business trips that prevent her from establishing regular contact with her online contacts. By this point, the only updates that they receive on her are from B.
I strongly suspect that B was Aylana all along.
B, unlike Aylana, is definitely real, and he continues to have an active internet presence today. Even around five years ago, when I first discovered it, his Twitter account seemed to be filled with fringe political commentary, and nowadays most of his posts are retweets on the subject of conspiracies surrounding the coronavirus pandemic. I will say nothing more on this subject. I should mention, at this point, that Aylana had a very distinct and consistent writing style, in which she would end many of her sentences with four or five periods. In some of B's emails he exhibits the same habit, yet in other writing samples from the same era he appears to write more conventionally. Furthermore, I can find nothing related to museums or Norwegian nobility when searching any combination of Aylana's names, all of which are rather unique. Most damning is the following post from an ancient Usenet thread (warning: the link contains descriptions that now come across as extremely insensitive):
...one aylana from webtv who posts in katzenjammer has been giving the "flamers" in there fits. She claims to be a 17 year old girl from blue blooded parents who has a boyfriend named justin. Well this is false. Miss Aylana is a crossdressing 28 year old freak who is pretending to be a girl.
There are some other posts about Aylana in this Usenet community which show that she was definitely not held in high regard. Public records for B show that he is currently 50 years old, which means that he would've been 28 in 1998. Moreover, another post in the community shows a description of Aylana by herself:
I am 5'5", 102 lbs. blonde hair cascading down my back.... perfectly proportioned [...] could use a little chest....but that will kick in before long
As somebody who was an 18-year-old girl just a couple of years ago, I can safely say that this description seems far too... fetishistic to be written by a teenage girl in reference to herself. All of this has led me to the conclusion that Aylana was probably not real, and that her persona was created by B. Which leads us to another question: what was the motivation for crafting this character? Although I don't know him personally, B shows no artistic inclinations either from his early 2000s website (a contemporary of Aylana's site), nor from his posts today. Did he design the glitter animations himself, or did he find them from another source? And why did he distribute them under Aylana's name instead of his own?
I have no answers to those questions, but I have a theory as to why Aylana eventually vanished. The old man was in failing health, and by the time of Aylana's disapperance they had been friends for almost six years. I believe that Aylana's hospitalization was an opportunity to kill her off, because B had started to feel a sense of guilt at fooling her friends. Perhaps an outpouring of support prevented him from killing the character, or the fear that they would attempt to unearth an obituary, and he decided that a disappearance, caused by the buildup of responsibilities in the real world, would be a gentler transition.
Whatever B's motives were, here is what happened: the old man continued to write letters to Aylana, months and years after her final message to him, right up to his death, and he passed away in 2005 believing that she was genuine. The WebTV community fell apart as personal computers became more affordable and commonplace. Aylana's sites disappeared from the internet, and now nothing remains of her except for an old digital book which will only stay up for as long as its host does, and, of course, her glitters.
EDIT: A followup; the original glitter graphic was not designed by Aylana.
submitted by spruisious to InternetMysteries [link] [comments]

In Sept 2019 Tylee Ryan (age 17) and J.J. Vallow (age 7) Disappeared. A case surrounded by suspicious deaths.

This is a very convoluted case with many victims and connections. The majority of relevant events seem to occurring within a single extended family. As a result I have drafted a rudimentary family tree in the software Gramps showing relationships of those involved, which you can refer to throughout this post: https://i.imgur.com/sLPBPZA.png

Brief Overview:

The last known siting of Tylee Ryan occurred on Sept. 8, 2019 at Yellowstone National Park, and the last known siting of JJ Vallow occurred on Sept. 23, 2019 at Kennedy Elementary School. His adoptive mother Lori called authorities to let them know she was going to homeschool J.J. On Nov. 26, 2019 Kay Vallow Woodcock (J.J.'s bio grandmother) requests a welfare check for J.J. Lori tells police the children are in Arizona with relatives, a lie. After more lies and refusing to cooperate with police Lori Vallow was arrested on Feb. 20, 2020 for felony desertion of a child, resisting and obstructing an officer, and solicitation of a crime and contempt.
Mysterious deaths surrounding the case:

Full Timeline (modified/edited/added to/compacted by myself from the one by the Post Register)

link to the original Post Register Timeline:

Relevant persons in this case:

Lori Cox Vallow Daybell: Age 46, wife of Chad
Chad Daybell: Age 51, husband of Lori
Tylee Ryan: Age 17, daughter of Lori and Joseph Anthony Ryan; remains missing
Joshua Jaxon "J.J." Vallow: Age 7, adopted son of Lori and Charles Vallow, biological Grandson of Charles' sister Kay Vallow Woodcock, diagnosed with lvl 2 autism. He is said to have an amazing memory and reads at an advanced level for his age; remains missing
Alexander (Alex) Cox: Brother of Lori
William Lagioia: Second husband of Lori, father of Colby Lagioia-Ryan, who is the biological half brother of Tylee and adoptive brother of J.J.
Joseph Ryan: Third husband of Lori, father of Tylee
Charles Vallow: Fourth husband of Lori, adoptive father of J.J.
Melani Boudreaux: Lori’s niece whose ex-husband said radically changed after beginning to follow Lori's religious beliefs
Brandon Boudreaux: Melani’s ex-husband
Ian Pawlowski: Melani's current husband
Tammy/Tamara Daybell (nee Douglas): Age 49, Chad Daybell's first wife
Timeline of events:
Vallow says Lori cancelled his return flight home from Texas where he was on a business trip. When he managed to fly back he found his truck and house keys gone, his bank account emptied of $35,000, the house locked, and no answer from Lori. He tells officers he hasn't been able to see JJ or Tylee, and that Lori last told him that she got rid of all his stuff from their home and that he was not to come to the house. He doesn't want to enter the house alone and wanted the police to be with him. When he enters the house he finds all his clothing and other belongings are gone. I highly recommend watching the video, as it shows Vallow saying Lori threatened to murder him, describing some of her strange religious beliefs including her thinking she was a god, and her not caring what happens to her children.
Chad Daybell texts filmmaker Devin K. Hansen “Thanks so much” regarding a project to turn one of his books into a film, Hansen told Fox 13 Salt Lake City. This is the last time Hansen would hear from Chad; all subsequent texts from Hansen to Chad go unanswered. Up until this point, Chad seemed invested in the project and had traveled to Utah to meet with Hansen about it. The project has since been cancelled.
Around this date, Melani tells Brandon that she is moving to Boise, according to The Arizona Republic.

Relevant Facebook Posts from family members

Brandon Boudreaux Posted on Dec. 21, 2019:
On October 2nd on my way home from the gym someone sat outside my home and shot a gun at me they hit my vehicle and missed my head by inches. I have reason to believe that this was related to all of the following events. I will only share things in this post that are public information please don't ask for more. Please also understand I know firsthand how scary these people can be. And by sharing I realize it can make us a target. As someone who has spent the last two months in hiding to protect my kids I don't take this lightly. But I want to be a person who stands and fights for truth and justice I have thought a lot about it and I have to share this. I can no longer sit by when by sharing I might help someone who knows something to come forward.
Ok This story is about my wife's cousin Joshua Jaxon (JJ) Vallow. Born in Lake Charles, LA. My wife's aunt and uncle Charles vallow and his wife Lori adopted him in 2013.
He’s a beautiful, intelligent 7 y/o with the biggest heart, most beautiful smile & has life challenges of a level 2 boy on the Autism spectrum. Early intervention allowed him to flourish beyond all expectations. Lori was a wonderful, loving, attentive mother. Things started changing over the past 18+ months when Lori began spending all her time with a new religious group, that we refer to as a “cult.”
She eventually deserted charles & JJ for 2.5 months early this year. Charles did his best to save the marriage, of which she had no interest. My wife at this time melani began spending a lot of time with this group, at the end of june she demanded a divorce claiming revelation about things that were not real and there was no evidence given just a claim of being told by the savior. On July 11, 2019 in Chandler, AZ, Charles went to Lori’s home (which he paid for) to get JJ & take to school. She and her brother Alex were there. Alex shot Charles twice in the chest killing him, claiming self-defense. 4 people were there that day. Lori, Alex and these 2 missing children. Alex mysteriously passed away on 12/12 & these two children haven't been seen since September 23rd. Worse still, Lori already remarried and the wife of her new husband Chad Daybell, mysteriously died on October 19th, in Rexburg, ID. I'm posting this and articles related to the case begging anyone who believes in justice to please share my post. Help us shed light on this. Someone out there knows something but doesn't know how all the pieces fit together. Help me connect them with the police so we can bring justice to charles and the other victims. Please join us in prayer and fasting that we find JJ & Tylee alive. Please like and share this to help bring the truth to authorities. Please feel free to dm me with questions about the provided links.
Kay Woodcock posted on March 28, 2020:
Today, my heart is extremely heavy. (heavier than normal these days)
One year ago yesterday, JJ was here in Lake Charles with Larry J. Woodcock & I was in Gilbert, AZ helping Charles pack for move to Houston. After being gone for 58 days, Loco (Lori) strutted in, hands on hips, & began to blame Charles for HER being gone so long, for cutting off her & her family’s phones, for keeping JJ from her, for her having to move, etc... It was ridiculous!! I knew the REAL situation bc I was with him & JJ for most of her absence. Charles offered to fly her to Houston that Sunday (in 3 days) to see JJ since it had been so long. She “committed to helping a friend in Kauai” so she couldn’t, then promised upon her return to the mainland in a “week or two” she would go to Houston. ((What mother would do this?)). Thankfully, this visit didn’t derail him & proceeded with the move. After short time in Houston his heart won over logic, allowing her back in their lives. It just so happened he was due a huge commission check at the same time. Oh my!! How obvious was that!! Yet Charles still had hopes of reconciliation. A short 4 months later... you know the story. For those who don’t, She & Alex ambushed & murdered him, acting like it was just another day. It changed my life, my family, and our friends lives forever. The void his loss created within my heart will never be filled. I miss my brother VERY much every single day. He was a good man who treated her with utmost respect & love. She didn’t deserve him. After his death, JJ must’ve felt incredibly lost, unloved & missed his dad terribly. His combative & unruly demeanor, as exhibited in the doorbell cam vid (Garna Mejia posted) personifies his inability to cope with his world being turned upside down by his mothers hand. Loco was obviously treating him as her “nieces drug baby.” Meaning she had emotionally removed herself as his once devoted, loving & protective mom. I think her referral to him in that way, was an example of her mustering the courage to “off” Tylee & then him. I PRAY I’m wrong, as we’ve NOT seen proof yet. However the longer she’s in jail, not talking causes us to lose hope with each passing day. We WON’T give up hope until we know differently. If loco has done something to him, it’s comforting to know he’s in heaven holding his Dad’s hand & they will be happy together forever. All she had to do was call us to pick him up. Period!!! She knew we’d have been there in record time!!! She knew we wanted him!!! SHE KNEW !!! Time will tell just how selfish she is.
For now, we continue to wait, wait, wait..... plz keep JJ & Tylee in your prayers.
WHERE ARE THE KIDS??? WHERE IS TYLEE ?!? WHERE IS JJ !?!

Links for more reading

Final Thoughts

So what do you think the connection between the deaths are? Do you think the children are OK? It seems Lori almost certainly had something to do with their disappearance, why do you think she would want them gone?
submitted by 2_lazy to UnresolvedMysteries [link] [comments]

Why is he on dating sites? I Found My Boyfriend On a Dating Site Your Boyfriend Has A Profile On A Dating Site THE BEST FREE DATING APPS OF 2020?! *ONLINE DATING TIPS* WHY ONLINE DATING SUCKS

Online dating sites also offer free chatting. There are a lot of dating sites out there on internet right now but you can't just rely on any without giving it a try for atleast a week. Paying to get a date can most of the times be risky as you cannot be sure if you are really going to get one. Create A online Dating Profile. If you were to think republicanpeoplemeet the man you’re seeing has registered on internet internet dating sites, one method to learn is through producing an online profile by yourself on the web internet dating sites to trap him, but don’t use your own private information. In simple terms, you need to Cheating is bad — let’s just say that right off the bat. It’s a betrayal of trust and is never healthy in a relationship. If we’re talking about online activity, though, sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s considered cheating. Is sexting cheating? Is having a subscription to a cam girl site cheating? Is it cheating […] New dating websites constantly emerge, and it is impossible to cover almost all of them. However, if your boyfriend is active online, the chances are he will have a profile on at least one of the sites mentioned above. Related reading: How To Catch Facebook Cheaters How to Search the Dating Site for My Boyfriend What Are Out In The Event Your Boyfriend Is On Online Dating Sites Bluff Away Amanda, a sales that are year-old, was indeed harboring emotions that her boyfriend of six years had been seeing other women behind her straight back and therefore she made a decision to work on the gut feeling.

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Why is he on dating sites?

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