Dating Depression Dirtbags A Love Story - Dating

I think I am a "Serial Dater" and I need help

Hi all, I'm using a burner account because my main is pretty well known among my buddies and some family.
I am not really sure how to start a post like this as I've never gone to strangers for advice but it seems like some people get some genuinely good help from this sub so I've decided to just be completely honest to someone else and myself so here goes nothing. Sorry for the long post in advance, TLDR at bottom.
I am a 20 year old male currently attending college, Towards the end of my junior year of high school I had my first real relationship. We dated for about 9 months and everything was great we had an amazing summer and I really thought it was something special, I know now that that was just me being dumb and newly 18 but at the time I though it was love. About a month into school I started to feel off my girlfriend and I weren't having problems but I just quite suddenly wasn't into her like I thought I was. I became friends with a girl in one of my classes and we started to hang out a lot, I only thought of her as a friend but my girlfriend (rightfully so as it would turn out) was worried. Girl 2 and I hung out for about another month, very often cutting into time normally spent with GF-1. Then one day as I was with GF-1 I just blurted out that I just didn't think it was working anymore. We had a small argument but ultimately she understood as she could tell that since school had started something was wrong.
After breaking up with GF-1 my time spent with Girl 2 increased astronomically and our classmates began spreading the false rumor that we had been sleeping together the whole time. Only two weeks after GF-1 and I broke up, Girl 2 confessed she had feelings for me. This is where the problems for the next two and a half years would start as without hesitation I told Girl 2 that I shared feelings for her.
I jumped into my new relationship with girlfriend 2 headstrong and 2 months in and after a ton of backlash from my peers and family for what very clearly looked like I had pulled some kind of dirtbag move I was happy with GF-2 minus a few bumps where she thought I was cheating on her but in reality I wasn't and we worked through it. But a few days after our 2 months anniversary I broke up with her because I felt like I never should have even dated her and I realized I rushed into something that I really didn't feel out first.
I lasted about a three weeks before I started talking to another girl romantically. Girl 3 was a friend of GF-2 I had known from school but wasn't close with until another mutual friend introduced us. We started as just friends but then I was in the market for a new job and the place Girl 3 worked at was hiring, I got a job and we became coworkers as well as deepening our friendship. Soon after one of our coworkers pulled me aside one day and very frankly asked "Hey, do you like Girl 3? she told me that she's really into you and has been for a while." This time I actually did have a crush on her vs having no idea what I wanted. I told our coworker I did but not to mention it to her and I would figure it out. I ended up asking her out and we dated for two months without issue. Spring break my senior year rolled around and I had a trip planned out of town with a big group of friends not including GF-3. My closest friends could tell something with me was off before the trip and when they pushed I realized I didn't want to be dating GF-3 anymore and for the first time I really had no reason, I broke up with GF-3 but this time it was messy she didn't understand and I couldn't explain why.
I remained single for two months but during that time I began talking to a girl that growing up I had been close to but through middle and high school until now our last two months of school I wasn't friends with. I had always had a real genuine crush on Girl 4 and knew deep down I wanted to be with her. I asked Girl 4 out and after a few dates we started our relationship three weeks before graduation. Her and I almost immediately realized we were in the deepest connecting relationship we'd ever been in and only a month in "I love you" was flying and to this day I still genuinely know I meant it. GF-4 and I had a perfect relationship it was one of the best summers if not the best summer I ever had. Her friends didn't like me because of my reputation from past relationships but she didn't care because we both just knew. It's important to know here that I lived on the east coast in a major city the south, for college I had chosen a school out west in a very low population state as I wanted to get away from the place I spent my whole life and city life and a big school wasn't what I wanted. GF-4 had chosen to go to school only 2 hours from home at a major SEC school. We both knew that when summer ended I was moving across the country. I wanted to avoid the subject but she kept pressing we talk about it. About three weeks before I left I finally decided it was time to discuss it and although we both wanted to do long distance only two days later I broke up with her as in my head I was convinced it would end worse if we stayed together. This is the biggest regret of my life so far.
I was upset and with three weeks left in my home state I made the poor choice of trying to find a rebound to take my mind off GF-4, Enter Girl 5. Girl 5 was a friend of a friend who hung around our group that whole summer and as soon as I broke up with GF-4 jumped at her chance with me. She had always been flirty but I thought nothing of it until two nights after breaking up with GF-4 I was absolutely shit drunk alone with her supposed to take care of me after a party at our mutual friends farm house and one thing lead to another and we slept together that night. Not even two days after that she confided in me that she had spent the whole summer wishing I was single and that she wished we met earlier and that she had a head over heels crush on me. She told me she wanted to be with me and that she wanted to do long distance if I would give her the chance. I was in a bad place after my breakup with GF-4 and just said fuck it without thinking about how crazy that all was. Things with her were good and we kept it a secret from our friends as she didn't want any of them to say anything to convince me not to do long distance. Two days after I moved for school I broke up with her when she told me she loved me and it slapped me in the face with the reality of what I was doing.
GF-5 had been a distraction from my feelings and regret about GF-4, A month into school I wrote a long heartfelt letter to GF-4 telling her I missed her and just wanted to talk again and apologized for what I had done. She called me in tears when she got the letter and although she was very firm about not getting back together yet she had shared the feelings of regret for how things ended and that she missed me. We began what I can only describe as a toxic long distance correspondence. We would call each other when one of us was drunk and basically took turns crying and saying how much we still loved and missed each other. Then each morning she would take it all back and say she or I was too drunk and emotional. It was a rough rollercoaster and it ended when I went back home for thanksgiving and we decided to meet up in person to talk. We ended up just switching between arguments over what to do and crying because all we wanted was to be back together. The conversation ended when she let out the hard truth that we wanted different things in life despite how much we loved each other. I left home hurt but not as bad as when I landed and saw that she had wrote a long text to me explaining that she was cutting me off as it was too painful to talk anymore.
I slipped into a deep depression, I drank alone almost every night and avoided my friends. I skipped class and just slept all day only leaving my dorm to go to my fraternity house and drink with my pledge brothers and the active members. Honestly had it not been for some of those guys being there during my drunken nights to listen to my sad rambles then I might have done something really stupid.
I figured it was time for another distraction and I started going on dates with a girl my roommate introduced me to, we went out for about two months and she was officially my girlfriend but we ended thing mutually after winter break as we just knew it wasn't working.
Soon after I started sleeping with a girl who I really didn't like purely based on the fact she looked like GF-4 we started dating in secret as my friends hated her and it lasted about a month until one drunk night I told her that I was still in love with GF-4 and we broke up.
Then I decided I needed to avoid dating girls or just girls in general. I focused on fixing my grades, my mental health, and avoided getting myself into another relationship at all costs. That lasted until the last month of my freshman year when it was time for one of the sorority's formal dances and a girl needed a date, I accepted because I thought it would just be some good fun. We agreed to get coffee a few days before the event so we could meet first. We ended up hanging out that day for the next 8 hours just talking. It was the best first date I'd ever been on and for that 8 hours I forgot about GF-4. The formal ended up being cancelled but we kept hanging out. We went on a few amazing dates and then we were dating formally. She and I decided to stay together because of how much we liked each other despite the fact she was going back home and so was I for the summer. I worked a job last summer at a residential camp in my home state so I barely had time to talk and it was only made more difficult by the fact she was on the west coast. Although it was hard at times we made it two more months into summer without issue and things were set to go back to normal as soon as we got back to campus. It was the end of July when I got a phone call in the middle of the day from my best friend at school. I answered immediately because she knew not to call me during the day at camp unless it was an emergency. I answered the phone and my friend was in tears, she told me that GF-8 and her had spent the weekend hanging out as they lived close by each other and became friends during our relationship, my friend told me that over the weekend GF-8 had made multiple advances on her and was adamant that she had feeling for my friend. My friend also discovered with proof that GF-8 had been using Tinder and actively was cheating on me with other guys as well. That night I called GF-8 and after a lot of me listening to her pleading and more lies I couldn't take it and broke up with her.
I was heartbroken as I finally had felt like I ready again to be happy only to be torn back down, part of me thought maybe I deserved it because of how I had acted the last year and a half and that this was my punishment. I finished out the rest of the summer at camp only because I threw myself solely into my job and trying to have the best time possible and came back to school ready to have a good year. I was only at school for two weeks when I met Girl 9, she was a really sweet super smart quiet girl from the midwest. I wanted a change of pace so I asked to hang out and made it clear I wasn't ready for a relationship. We hung out a few times and had some really nice quiet nights and did a ton of talking and sharing stories. I told her everything there was to know about me, and she did the same. We realized we shared the same dreams and feelings about the world and wanted the same things in life. We started dating and had really great first four months. After that I started to realize that maybe we weren't on the same page. GF-9 wanted to be married within two years, live together, and start her career. A career that would take her out of our low population mountainous home state of the last two years, that I want and still want to spend forever in. She doesn't want kids ever and I did, She wanted to live in a big city and I don't. We had fundamental differences in what our futures look like. Sounds familiar right? Well I decided I didn't care and because we still had two more years at least of school I was okay with working it out eventually when the time came. So we continued dating another 3 months, the only problem after the latter being that on a drunk night at 3am I texted GF-4 and told her I loved her still. I deleted the text from my phone and never knew I did it until GF-9 confronted me and showed me that GF-4 had found her instagram and thought it was important that she told her. I told GF-9 it meant nothing and I didn't even remember doing it. She understood to a point but I had caused her to have doubts in me and we had more frequent disagreements going forward. When COVID-19 hit hard GF-9 and her family made the decision to move her back home early as school had already moved online and her sorority house was closing its doors for the rest of the school year. The distance caused more and more issues and eventually I was fed up with fighting and decided we needed to break up. It was really rough because despite the frequent arguments she felt blindsided and still believed we would get married and live out the life she planned and didn't think I was having any doubts. I feel bad about the way things ended with GF-9 but I know its for the best and that it was better to end things sooner rather then later.

That was two months ago, and about a month ago when looking for something to take me away from my relationship troubles and the other unrelated problems in my life I met a girl on Tinder. We decided to hookup, and we both enjoyed ourselves enough to hang out again but this time we spent a lot more time talking and hanging out. We both agreed neither of us want a relationship and this time I think I can commit to not repeating my mistake. The issue is this new girl and I have been hanging out for a month straight multiple times a week and we spend more time doing the things you would with someone you date then we do hooking up like we originally agreed to. We've both admitted we have feelings for each other but are still on the same page about not being in a relationship. We both also agreed that we can still see other people but neither of us have and when it came up recently we both said we haven't wanted to and probably won't unless we end things with each other for some reason.
I really don't know what to do at this point and its taken almost two and a half hours to write this post. I guess I just want advice on how to fix myself before I continue to hurt people and myself. I feel like I am on a road that has no end and I have no choice but to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over no matter what I try. If you have any words of wisdom or advice I am all ears at this point.
Thanks Guys and Girls
tl;dr I've had 9 girlfriends in three years and I feel helpless but to repeat the cycle of dating I am stuck in.
submitted by Burneraccount1675 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

I (28F) am struggling to have a relationship with my overbearing parents (60sM/F). Apart from cutting them off, do I have any options?

So a little background, my mom has anxiety and probably depression, also maybe some OCD. My dad is a very selfish and angry person, never has time for anyone and treats people like crap in general. As an example, his mom is losing her memory and likely has dementia and he is short with her and openly mocks her thinking she doesn't notice. He rags on my mom to me and my brother (32M), but never to her face. Mom does the same behind dad's back. But if we ever said anything about the other parent, they would be furious with us and defend even the same behaviours they hate and complain about in one another.
As a child, I remember having a pretty good youth, but as I became a preteen and teen things got bad. I will admit that I was mouthy and had an attitude, but my parents acted as if I was the devil reincarnate and became hysterical whenever I picked a fight. My mom would lock herself in her room and cry or yell, and my dad would either slap me in the face, grab my neck and hold me against a wall, or slam my head against the wall. He spanked me up until I was about 12-13 when I told them that I didn't think it was appropriate for my father to be pulling my pants down at that age. I'm thankful that they seemed to take that to heart. Even if my mom and I had a fight during the day and dad wasn't home, when he came home within 5 minutes she would give her "report" and he would burst into my room, already red as hell with a terrifying look in his eyes and he would hurt me. My mom always said she told him not to, and at the time I would run to her for comfort and she would "get angry" at him, but its pretty clear to me now that she knew what was going to happen. She would blame my dad's upbringing and his "short fuse" for the way he reacted, but would also say that I pushed him to it.
My mom used to tell people about my outbursts, and I remember other parents of teens just looking at her stunned, clearly thinking yeah, that's what teenage girls do. But my mom would lecture me about how she grew up with nothing and I should be grateful for everything they do for me. Some other things my mom would do, was when I would have a fight or disagreement with a friend, or a friend would cancel plans last minute, she would attack their character and say how I couldn't rely on anyone but family. She would tell me that everyone will let me down in life and the only people I could always trust and count on were her and my dad. This led me to having minimal friends and losing a lot of friendships over the years. I had a fearful attachment to my friends that I did have and was often very clingy and needy. The result is ultimately that I have a hard time trusting people and have not really made any friends since high school. I do have a close friend who I consider a sister to me, but we live across the country from one another and only get to see each other maybe once a year now. My parents have been my only support system for as long as I can remember.
Another thing I recall is that when I became depressed and anxious in my teenage years, my mom wouldn't get me a therapist or counseling but instead became hysterical telling everyone I was on suicide watch, having my dad take the knob off my bedroom door, and saying that they would have to send me away to a mental facility and I would never see them again except for maybe holidays. So I learned to keep my mouth shut about the pain I was going through and self harmed in secret and blamed myself for my problems.
Another thing was that they would always threaten to rehome my beloved pet cat. They would always say that one day I would come home and he would be gone if I couldn't stop arguing and disrespecting my mom. I wonder where the trust issues come from. A few other things worth mentioning but not warranting their own stories: 1) they refused to talk to me about sex, relationships, babies, etc and shamed everyone who spoke about it - they s**t shamed me for staying the night over at my now-husband's place after we had been dating for 6 months and I was a 22 year old virgin 2) my mom would tell her friends and my grandparents private things I had confided in her 3) my dad would comment on my body, particularly when I grew boobs and it was incredibly uncomfortable - my mom never saw a problem with this 4) my parents constantly talked about how they had to move to be away from their parents when they got married because of how manipulative and crazy they were 5) my parents both shit talked each other to me and my brother (30M) as kids and tried to get us to side with the other 6) every good grade I got in school, unless it was 100% they would ask why it wasn't higher 7) they basically forced me to go to university for a science degree because it was my dad's dream to be a biologist and "he gave it up for my mom" 8) both my mom and dad have multiple family members that they don't speak to including their siblings - as kids we saw them very rarely for big family celebrations and my parents would tell us beforehand why they were awful and why we don't like them. There is a lot more that I am leaving out and probably things I haven't even remembered yet. It is amazing how these memories come out as I grow older, I didn't know I was suppressing any.
I finally moved out at 22 into my own apartment. I had started dating my now husband a year before the move and they were always awful to him as well. He was previously in the military so my dad basically said he was a dirtbag and would cheat on me, was too dumb to form his own life plans so he needed people telling him what to do, etc. My mom would say my now husband was weird and c**ky because he is a confident person, something completely foreign to them (for the record he has a normal level of self confidence and has taught me to build my own as well). When they gave him shit he would respectfully stand up for himself and thus earned the label of "arrogant". My husband is a really amazing person and they picked holes in our relationship from the beginning, which caused me a lot of stress and I ended up getting the help of a therapist to begin seeing my relationship clearly without the veil that my parents tried to throw over everything in my life. After living in my apartment for under a year, I was moving in with my now husband (we had been dating 2 years) and my dad refused to help with the move or let us use his truck so we had to rent once to drive my furniture literally 8 blocks away. My dad basically disowned me unless I initiated after this. After that my mom would always talk about how they were crushed by me "leaving them" and how my husband was "more important" and I was still just a baby and how could I leave them so soon without seeing the world first and living my own life. They said the same thing when we adopted a dog - that I was ruining my life and throwing my freedom away to be a housewife. Lol.
They have continued to be terrible about my marriage, but I have been able to deal with it having that distance of not living together between us now. My mom made my wedding day about her sadness at "losing" her daughter and after that I lost any respect I had left for her. She made the day uncomfortable and demanded that my husband make everyone go around the dinner tables introducing themselves, when he chuckled at the idea she basically said eff you to him and that was that. She complained the whole meal about how my grandparents weren't eating much, loudly and everyone was uncomfortable. For the record, it was greek food and they probably weren't loving it, plus they had just eaten late lunch a couple of hours before. Then she kept talking to my dad about how she didn't think the caterers brought enough food - again everyone including the caterers could hear this.
Lately my mom has started demanding answers for why I don't want to spend time with her, so I thought fair enough, I will spend more time with her. I invite her over usually once a week, or we will go out shopping or for coffee. I regret it every single time because she will be fine at first, and then starts her same bullshit where she shit talks my husband, or demands that I am making terrible decisions in my life and need to listen to her. Every time she makes me feel bad for not spending time, she will be awful again and I remember why I am being cold to her, but its a repeating cycle because she knows exactly how to guilt me. Her usual tactic is having get-togethers with my elderly grandparents and she will say "this is probably the last ___________ they will be here for, so do it for them".
I hold some anger over what I now recognize as a lot of childhood and adolescent trauma, but I was willing to work past it to get along. On the few occasions I have brought up the past and their treatment of me, their default is either them not remembering and thinking I'm making it up, saying their childhood was worse and I should be grateful for all that they did for me (ie "tell me about it, you think you had it bad..."), or saying the past is in the past and I will understand when I'm a parent and make my own mistakes. Fair enough, but they won't listen to me when I tell them what I need and expect in their treatment of me now.
Things have just not improved and my parents are getting worse as time goes on. The latest is that my mom is trying to tell me how I am being unfair and cruel by expecting her to act a certain way to spend time with me. I have told her when she asks why I don't want to spend time together that she is being overbearing and disrespectful, that she treats me like a child and will not just spend time without criticizing me. She immediately goes into defense mode and gets weepy and says one of the following 1) my parents were like this to me and its all I know how to do 2) I'm trying to protect you because I'm the only one who loves you unconditionally or 3) I do nothing wrong and my therapist said I'm fine and everyone else is the problem. No matter the approach I take, I can not get her to see what she is doing. She is ruining her relationships with everyone at this point and always playing the victim card or starts crying when I try to correct her behaviour. Any time I stand up for myself or argue I am automatically "being a b***h". My dad doesn't try anymore, only if I initiate but I do know that he shares this sentiment.
The tipping point for me right now is that she is using my beloved cat's death to start an argument about how I need to let her be there for me. She waited until 2 days after his passing to say that she wants to be here for me while I grieve, but I am so mean that I won't let us have a relationship. I also have a baby due in September so she is constantly talking about how she wants to be around when baby is here, etc but thinks I will cut her off and keeps asking why I am being so mean to her.
She has made my pregnancy about her, and has done some really unkind things throughout. One example was that she outright refused to acknowledge or be excited about my baby until I was further along because she had a miscarriage early on (around 6 weeks) and was sure that I would have one too. She always would take about her baby that died, and I get how awful that must have been, but it has been 30 years and she had two healthy children. The baby just never developed - no heart beat at the first ultrasound. I have been so excited about my pregnancy, and she takes every chance to downplay it or taint it with whatever anxious thought she has that day. Her favorite is to tell me how they will start hating me in 16 years and it will be justice for how I was as a teen.
It kills me to see my mom in pain and hurting but I can't be a doormat anymore, and she can't be reasoned with. I just don't know where to go from here. I have debated moving across the country to put some distance between us and maybe that will help, but obviously running away isn't the solution. I have tried to outline the things that are bothering me when she asks, but she denies any fault. I have suggested therapy and even going together for counseling, and she refuses and has excuses for how there is nothing wrong with her behaviour. At this point I just don't know what to do. I don't want my kid around these kinds of ideas, but I also don't want them to grow up cut off from family like I was. I know that sheltering them won't help them develop their own ideas but I can't stand the idea of my parents abusing my child. I plan to only have them around my kid with supervision anyways. It hurts to think of cutting them out of my life, but I am having trouble seeing any solutions now.
TL;DR: I think my parents were abusive. Now that I am realizing it and standing up for myself in the present, they are trying to guilt me back into submission and will take no blame in their on-going poor and disrespectful treatment of me. The idea of cutting them off hurts me and it would break my heart to see them in pain, but what other option do I have if they won't listen to my needs?
submitted by ExtensionWerewolf8 to relationships [link] [comments]

Conflicted In Love

Kind of a long story but I don't want to leave out important details.
I was with my "ex" girlfriend for 3ish years, I broke it off this past April due to how toxic the relationship got. We were living together in our own apartment for the past year, June 2019 until June 2020. We moved into that apartment after our 2 year anniversary which was in September of 2019. In the fall of 2019 from August-October I was cheating on her with a coworker. Now this coworker was a 27M and I am a 22F, 21 at the time, and my GF was 21F. My girlfriend at the time we met under some pretty bad circumstances, I had just gotten out of a very SHORT and toxic "relationship" with someone I had met in basic training. I thought I was in love with her, I was going to give up everything back home and move across the country to live with her and her 2 kids. But then that's when I hit rock bottom. I started drinking everyday, EXCESSIVE amounts of alcohol, I'm talking a 6 pack of bud light a day and using bud light as a chaser for my vodka. I would go through a bottle of vodka every 2 days, and in the thick of it, it would be one day. I was also doing coke and xanax daily on top of that. I was a MESS! That went on for about 3 months and then after a failed suicide attempt I realized that this is not the life I want to live. That was back in 2017, I quit around the time I met my GF. It originally was supposed to be a hookup situation but with the mind state and space that I was in, I was looking for anyone to give me comfort and so we dated. She was still in love with the girl she has been in love with since highschool, so the past 5 years and still to this day she just never admitted it. But the relationship, at the time, was AMAZING. We were having amazing sex everyday, always went on dates, got along so well, she moved in with me to my moms only after a couple months of dating, mainly because her mom kicked her out. But I saw it as the perfect opportunity to help her out. Everything was PERFECT until the end of summer 2019, which was around the time I started messing around with my coworker. We were arguing, ALOT. Almost everyday it was something she didn't like about me or my attitude. 98% of the time she would start the argument, and me being the hard headed bitch I am, I acted like I didnt give a fuck, I instigated almost 8 times out of 10. It was toxic on both ends. That is when I started to confide in my coworker, we will name him Josh for privacy reasons. Josh was ALWAYS on shift with me and we would always want to work with eachother. We would talk all day about nothing, get to know eachother, it was perfect. We had so many things in common, we even added eachother on xbox so we could play games together. If we werent at work talking we were talking on the phone, my 2 hour commute we would talk on the phone and once we hung up we would be texting eachother until we were going to bed. I was falling in love with the man and I didn't even know it. A few weeks went on like that, we started flirting every now and then and believe me, I tried to stop. I told him I felt dirty doing this behind my gf's back and he said he understood and we stopped... for that day, but picked it right back up the next day. It was surely a moral confliction for me. I know what you may be thinking, I'm a dirtbag, I should have just ended it with my gf rather than cheating on her. But my original thought and reason behind talking to Josh was because I wanted to see what it was like to sleep with a man. I had only been with one other man but I was too high on xanax to even remember what happened, I woke up 2 days later with 27 missed calls from my mom wondering where the fuck I was at. So to say the least I dont remember it, only what I was told by the dude after I woke up. So I thought you know what, I want to see whats its like to be with a man sober and then thats it. and Josh agreed. He didnt care, he wanted to sleep with me aswell. I had long gorgeous hair at the time, I've always had a coke bottle figure that the men love to stare at even when I'm dressed in my mens clothes, its weird. So the day finally came, the day I was going to sleep with Josh. I told my gf i had to work late and I followed him to his house. We got in bed and we had sex. It was amazing. He was amazing. This went on for about 2 weeks and he finally asked if I wanted to stay with him at his place, I had a commute of 2 hours each way everyday so it was a really long commute and he lived 20 minutes away from our work place. So I took him up on it. I told my gf and she trusted me because I told her nothing was going on between him and I and she trusted me. So I lived with him. It was amazing. He was amazing. But not realizing it until I came out of it, I fell back into my addictive depression. I was doing coke 24/7, xanax, drinking, and popping oxy. I had extra money, he didnt ask for rent. We would do these drugs together and it all felt ok. I didnt realize how bad it had gotten until I returned home. I lost 20+ pounds, sleep deprived, barely functioning, and looked like a walking zombie. Not sleeping for days was very common at this point, the coke mixed with adderall was one of the worst ideas I couldve ever come up with. But I didnt care. I was living my best life. Moving on to when I told my gf that I was indeed cheating on her. I put her suspicions to ease and told her that I was infact sleeping with Josh. It was emotional but to tell you the truth I dont regret it, I only regret not breaking up with her first. I dont regret sleeping with Josh. I moved back home around thanksgiving time after my gf and I had "reconciled" I was expecting her to hate my guts, treat me like garbage, treat me like scum but she didnt. I was shocked, but then 4 months went by and thats when the resentment, hate, anger, sadness started to come out. Every day was an argument or everyday she would treat me like shit, I took it because I deserved it. I broke her trust and broke her heart. I truly wanted to gain her trust back but I was infatuated with this man. I still talked to him on text and saw him at work. But didnt hook up with him after I left his place. despite the way she was treating me we got our apartment in the summer of 2019 and the arguing and resentment followed. The whole year we were in that apartment I couldnt think of one time I was happy to be in that apartment with her. There were so many times I wanted to just take my name off the lease and leave her. But I stayed because in some form I cared about her, and I dont like to quit. So I continued to try with her, told her everyday that she could trust me, let her go through my phone whenever she wanted and the whole nine. I didnt realize how much I loved this man until I didnt have him anymore. I told him to never talk to me again and he didnt. He was the first one to say I love you. He LOVED me, I saw it and I felt it. I didnt realize I love him until it was too late. I transferred to a different account within my company because I just couldnt take it. I loved him too much and the way I disrespected him I couldnt possibly work with him anymore. I worked at a different account for about 8 months, the main extent of our lease. only recently have I transferred back to the other account because of many reasons and the last reason is the slight chance that him and I could be friends again. I came to reality with the fact that I am in love with this man, he is my soulmate. But it was too little too late. I talked to him, well texted him how I've felt about him because he was too scared to see me or whatever his issue was. But hes in a relationship now and has been for sometime now. I am happy for him but I cannot help but hate myself for not telling him how I truly felt about him. Everyday he is the first thing I think of that the last thing I think of at the end of the day. I have never been more in love in my life. And knowing that I ruined this makes me hate myself. I have not been happy since he has left my life. I dont know how to move on, I dont know how to get over him and I need help. So, I KNOW this was a long ass read, and maybe didnt make much sense. But please, any drop of advice would be awesome. Thank you
submitted by help-less to dating_advice [link] [comments]

How do I (28F) proceed with a relationship with my parents (60F and 60M) who refuse to see any fault in the way they treat me?

So a little background, my mom has anxiety and probably depression, also maybe some OCD. My dad is a very selfish and angry person, never has time for anyone and treats people like crap in general. As an example, his mom is losing her memory and likely has dementia and he is short with her and openly mocks her thinking she doesn't notice. He rags on my mom to me and my brother (32M), but never to her face. Mom does the same behind dad's back. But if we ever said anything about the other parent, they would be furious with us and defend even the same behaviours they hate and complain about in one another.
As a child, I remember having a pretty good youth, but as I became a preteen and teen things got bad. I will admit that I was mouthy and had an attitude, but my parents acted as if I was the devil reincarnate and became hysterical whenever I picked a fight. My mom would lock herself in her room and cry or yell, and my dad would either slap me in the face, grab my neck and hold me against a wall, or slam my head against the wall. He spanked me up until I was about 12-13 when I told them that I didn't think it was appropriate for my father to be pulling my pants down at that age. I'm thankful that they seemed to take that to heart. Even if my mom and I had a fight during the day and dad wasn't home, when he came home within 5 minutes she would give her "report" and he would burst into my room, already red as hell with a terrifying look in his eyes and he would hurt me. My mom always said she told him not to, and at the time I would run to her for comfort and she would "get angry" at him, but its pretty clear to me now that she knew what was going to happen. She would blame my dad's upbringing and his "short fuse" for the way he reacted, but would also say that I pushed him to it.
My mom used to tell people about my outbursts, and I remember other parents of teens just looking at her stunned, clearly thinking yeah, that's what teenage girls do. But my mom would lecture me about how she grew up with nothing and I should be grateful for everything they do for me. Some other things my mom would do, was when I would have a fight or disagreement with a friend, or a friend would cancel plans last minute, she would attack their character and say how I couldn't rely on anyone but family. She would tell me that everyone will let me down in life and the only people I could always trust and count on were her and my dad. This led me to having minimal friends and losing a lot of friendships over the years. I had a fearful attachment to my friends that I did have and was often very clingy and needy. The result is ultimately that I have a hard time trusting people and have not really made any friends since high school. I do have a close friend who I consider a sister to me, but we live across the country from one another and only get to see each other maybe once a year now. My parents have been my only support system for as long as I can remember.
Another thing I recall is that when I became depressed and anxious in my teenage years, my mom wouldn't get me a therapist or counseling but instead became hysterical telling everyone I was on suicide watch, having my dad take the knob off my bedroom door, and saying that they would have to send me away to a mental facility and I would never see them again except for maybe holidays. So I learned to keep my mouth shut about the pain I was going through and self harmed in secret and blamed myself for my problems.
Another thing was that they would always threaten to rehome my beloved pet cat. They would always say that one day I would come home and he would be gone if I couldn't stop arguing and disrespecting my mom. I wonder where the trust issues come from. A few other things worth mentioning but not warranting their own stories: 1) they refused to talk to me about sex, relationships, babies, etc and shamed everyone who spoke about it - they s**t shamed me for staying the night over at my now-husband's place after we had been dating for 6 months and I was a 22 year old virgin 2) my mom would tell her friends and my grandparents private things I had confided in her 3) my dad would comment on my body, particularly when I grew boobs and it was incredibly uncomfortable - my mom never saw a problem with this 4) my parents constantly talked about how they had to move to be away from their parents when they got married because of how manipulative and crazy they were 5) my parents both shit talked each other to me and my brother (30M) as kids and tried to get us to side with the other 6) every good grade I got in school, unless it was 100% they would ask why it wasn't higher 7) they basically forced me to go to university for a science degree because it was my dad's dream to be a biologist and "he gave it up for my mom" 8) both my mom and dad have multiple family members that they don't speak to including their siblings - as kids we saw them very rarely for big family celebrations and my parents would tell us beforehand why they were awful and why we don't like them. There is a lot more that I am leaving out and probably things I haven't even remembered yet. It is amazing how these memories come out as I grow older, I didn't know I was suppressing any.
I finally moved out at 22 into my own apartment. I had started dating my now husband a year before the move and they were always awful to him as well. He was previously in the military so my dad basically said he was a dirtbag and would cheat on me, was too dumb to form his own life plans so he needed people telling him what to do, etc. My mom would say my now husband was weird and c**ky because he is a confident person, something completely foreign to them (for the record he has a normal level of self confidence and has taught me to build my own as well). When they gave him shit he would respectfully stand up for himself and thus earned the label of "arrogant". My husband is a really amazing person and they picked holes in our relationship from the beginning, which caused me a lot of stress and I ended up getting the help of a therapist to begin seeing my relationship clearly without the veil that my parents tried to throw over everything in my life. After living in my apartment for under a year, I was moving in with my now husband (we had been dating 2 years) and my dad refused to help with the move or let us use his truck so we had to rent once to drive my furniture literally 8 blocks away. My dad basically disowned me unless I initiated after this. After that my mom would always talk about how they were crushed by me "leaving them" and how my husband was "more important" and I was still just a baby and how could I leave them so soon without seeing the world first and living my own life. They said the same thing when we adopted a dog - that I was ruining my life and throwing my freedom away to be a housewife. Lol.
They have continued to be terrible about my marriage, but I have been able to deal with it having that distance of not living together between us now. My mom made my wedding day about her sadness at "losing" her daughter and after that I lost any respect I had left for her. She made the day uncomfortable and demanded that my husband make everyone go around the dinner tables introducing themselves, when he chuckled at the idea she basically said eff you to him and that was that. She complained the whole meal about how my grandparents weren't eating much, loudly and everyone was uncomfortable. For the record, it was greek food and they probably weren't loving it, plus they had just eaten late lunch a couple of hours before. Then she kept talking to my dad about how she didn't think the caterers brought enough food - again everyone including the caterers could hear this.
Lately my mom has started demanding answers for why I don't want to spend time with her, so I thought fair enough, I will spend more time with her. I invite her over usually once a week, or we will go out shopping or for coffee. I regret it every single time because she will be fine at first, and then starts her same bullshit where she shit talks my husband, or demands that I am making terrible decisions in my life and need to listen to her. Every time she makes me feel bad for not spending time, she will be awful again and I remember why I am being cold to her, but its a repeating cycle because she knows exactly how to guilt me. Her usual tactic is having get-togethers with my elderly grandparents and she will say "this is probably the last ___________ they will be here for, so do it for them".
I hold some anger over what I now recognize as a lot of childhood and adolescent trauma, but I was willing to work past it to get along. On the few occasions I have brought up the past and their treatment of me, their default is either them not remembering and thinking I'm making it up, saying their childhood was worse and I should be grateful for all that they did for me (ie "tell me about it, you think you had it bad..."), or saying the past is in the past and I will understand when I'm a parent and make my own mistakes. Fair enough, but they won't listen to me when I tell them what I need and expect in their treatment of me now.
Things have just not improved and my parents are getting worse as time goes on. The latest is that my mom is trying to tell me how I am being unfair and cruel by expecting her to act a certain way to spend time with me. I have told her when she asks why I don't want to spend time together that she is being overbearing and disrespectful, that she treats me like a child and will not just spend time without criticizing me. She immediately goes into defense mode and gets weepy and says one of the following 1) my parents were like this to me and its all I know how to do 2) I'm trying to protect you because I'm the only one who loves you unconditionally or 3) I do nothing wrong and my therapist said I'm fine and everyone else is the problem. No matter the approach I take, I can not get her to see what she is doing. She is ruining her relationships with everyone at this point and always playing the victim card or starts crying when I try to correct her behaviour. Any time I stand up for myself or argue I am automatically "being a b***h". My dad doesn't try anymore, only if I initiate but I do know that he shares this sentiment.
The tipping point for me right now is that she is using my beloved cat's death to start an argument about how I need to let her be there for me. She waited until 2 days after his passing to say that she wants to be here for me while I grieve, but I am so mean that I won't let us have a relationship. I also have a baby due in September so she is constantly talking about how she wants to be around when baby is here, etc but thinks I will cut her off and keeps asking why I am being so mean to her.
She has made my pregnancy about her, and has done some really unkind things throughout. One example was that she outright refused to acknowledge or be excited about my baby until I was further along because she had a miscarriage early on (around 6 weeks) and was sure that I would have one too. She always would take about her baby that died, and I get how awful that must have been, but it has been 30 years and she had two healthy children. The baby just never developed - no heart beat at the first ultrasound. I have been so excited about my pregnancy, and she takes every chance to downplay it or taint it with whatever anxious thought she has that day. Her favorite is to tell me how they will start hating me in 16 years and it will be justice for how I was as a teen.
It kills me to see my mom in pain and hurting but I can't be a doormat anymore, and she can't be reasoned with. I just don't know where to go from here. I have debated moving across the country to put some distance between us and maybe that will help, but obviously running away isn't the solution. I have tried to outline the things that are bothering me when she asks, but she denies any fault. I have suggested therapy and even going together for counseling, and she refuses and has excuses for how there is nothing wrong with her behaviour. At this point I just don't know what to do. I don't want my kid around these kinds of ideas, but I also don't want them to grow up cut off from family like I was. I know that sheltering them won't help them develop their own ideas but I can't stand the idea of my parents abusing my child. I plan to only have them around my kid with supervision anyways. It hurts to think of cutting them out of my life, but I am having trouble seeing any solutions now.
TL;DR: I think my parents were abusive. Now that I am realizing it and standing up for myself in the present, they are trying to guilt me back into submission and will take no blame in their on-going poor and disrespectful treatment of me. The idea of cutting them off hurts me and it would break my heart to see them in pain, but what other option do I have if they won't listen to my needs?
submitted by ExtensionWerewolf8 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

At my wit's end trying to have a relationship with my parents

So a little background, my mom has anxiety and probably depression, also maybe some OCD. My dad is a very selfish and angry person, never has time for anyone and treats people like crap in general. As an example, his mom is losing her memory and likely has dementia and he is short with her and openly mocks her thinking she doesn't notice. He rags on my mom to me and my brother (32M), but never to her face. Mom does the same behind dad's back. But if we ever said anything about the other parent, they would be furious with us and defend even the same behaviours they hate and complain about in one another.
As a child, I remember having a pretty good youth, but as I became a preteen and teen things got bad. I will admit that I was mouthy and had an attitude, but my parents acted as if I was the devil reincarnate and became hysterical whenever I picked a fight. My mom would lock herself in her room and cry or yell, and my dad would either slap me in the face, grab my neck and hold me against a wall, or slam my head against the wall. He spanked me up until I was about 12-13 when I told them that I didn't think it was appropriate for my father to be pulling my pants down at that age. I'm thankful that they seemed to take that to heart. Even if my mom and I had a fight during the day and dad wasn't home, when he came home within 5 minutes she would give her "report" and he would burst into my room, already red as hell with a terrifying look in his eyes and he would hurt me. My mom always said she told him not to, and at the time I would run to her for comfort and she would "get angry" at him, but its pretty clear to me now that she knew what was going to happen. She would blame my dad's upbringing and his "short fuse" for the way he reacted, but would also say that I pushed him to it.
My mom used to tell people about my outbursts, and I remember other parents of teens just looking at her stunned, clearly thinking yeah, that's what teenage girls do. But my mom would lecture me about how she grew up with nothing and I should be grateful for everything they do for me. Some other things my mom would do, was when I would have a fight or disagreement with a friend, or a friend would cancel plans last minute, she would attack their character and say how I couldn't rely on anyone but family. She would tell me that everyone will let me down in life and the only people I could always trust and count on were her and my dad. This led me to having minimal friends and losing a lot of friendships over the years. I had a fearful attachment to my friends that I did have and was often very clingy and needy. The result is ultimately that I have a hard time trusting people and have not really made any friends since high school. I do have a close friend who I consider a sister to me, but we live across the country from one another and only get to see each other maybe once a year now. My parents have been my only support system for as long as I can remember.
Another thing I recall is that when I became depressed and anxious in my teenage years, my mom wouldn't get me a therapist or counseling but instead became hysterical telling everyone I was on suicide watch, having my dad take the knob off my bedroom door, and saying that they would have to send me away to a mental facility and I would never see them again except for maybe holidays. So I learned to keep my mouth shut about the pain I was going through and self harmed in secret and blamed myself for my problems.
Another thing was that they would always threaten to rehome my beloved pet cat. They would always say that one day I would come home and he would be gone if I couldn't stop arguing and disrespecting my mom. I wonder where the trust issues come from. A few other things worth mentioning but not warranting their own stories: 1) they refused to talk to me about sex, relationships, babies, etc and shamed everyone who spoke about it - they s**t shamed me for staying the night over at my now-husband's place after we had been dating for 6 months and I was a 22 year old virgin 2) my mom would tell her friends and my grandparents private things I had confided in her 3) my dad would comment on my body, particularly when I grew boobs and it was incredibly uncomfortable - my mom never saw a problem with this 4) my parents constantly talked about how they had to move to be away from their parents when they got married because of how manipulative and crazy they were 5) my parents both shit talked each other to me and my brother (30M) as kids and tried to get us to side with the other 6) every good grade I got in school, unless it was 100% they would ask why it wasn't higher 7) they basically forced me to go to university for a science degree because it was my dad's dream to be a biologist and "he gave it up for my mom" 8) both my mom and dad have multiple family members that they don't speak to including their siblings - as kids we saw them very rarely for big family celebrations and my parents would tell us beforehand why they were awful and why we don't like them. There is a lot more that I am leaving out and probably things I haven't even remembered yet. It is amazing how these memories come out as I grow older, I didn't know I was suppressing any.
I finally moved out at 22 into my own apartment. I had started dating my now husband a year before the move and they were always awful to him as well. He was previously in the military so my dad basically said he was a dirtbag and would cheat on me, was too dumb to form his own life plans so he needed people telling him what to do, etc. My mom would say my now husband was weird and c**ky because he is a confident person, something completely foreign to them (for the record he has a normal level of self confidence and has taught me to build my own as well). When they gave him shit he would respectfully stand up for himself and thus earned the label of "arrogant". My husband is a really amazing person and they picked holes in our relationship from the beginning, which caused me a lot of stress and I ended up getting the help of a therapist to begin seeing my relationship clearly without the veil that my parents tried to throw over everything in my life. After living in my apartment for under a year, I was moving in with my now husband (we had been dating 2 years) and my dad refused to help with the move or let us use his truck so we had to rent once to drive my furniture literally 8 blocks away. My dad basically disowned me unless I initiated after this. After that my mom would always talk about how they were crushed by me "leaving them" and how my husband was "more important" and I was still just a baby and how could I leave them so soon without seeing the world first and living my own life. They said the same thing when we adopted a dog - that I was ruining my life and throwing my freedom away to be a housewife. Lol.
They have continued to be terrible about my marriage, but I have been able to deal with it having that distance of not living together between us now. My mom made my wedding day about her sadness at "losing" her daughter and after that I lost any respect I had left for her. She made the day uncomfortable and demanded that my husband make everyone go around the dinner tables introducing themselves, when he chuckled at the idea she basically said eff you to him and that was that. She complained the whole meal about how my grandparents weren't eating much, loudly and everyone was uncomfortable. For the record, it was greek food and they probably weren't loving it, plus they had just eaten late lunch a couple of hours before. Then she kept talking to my dad about how she didn't think the caterers brought enough food - again everyone including the caterers could hear this.
Lately my mom has started demanding answers for why I don't want to spend time with her, so I thought fair enough, I will spend more time with her. I invite her over usually once a week, or we will go out shopping or for coffee. I regret it every single time because she will be fine at first, and then starts her same bullshit where she shit talks my husband, or demands that I am making terrible decisions in my life and need to listen to her. Every time she makes me feel bad for not spending time, she will be awful again and I remember why I am being cold to her, but its a repeating cycle because she knows exactly how to guilt me. Her usual tactic is having get-togethers with my elderly grandparents and she will say "this is probably the last ___________ they will be here for, so do it for them".
I hold some anger over what I now recognize as a lot of childhood and adolescent trauma, but I was willing to work past it to get along. On the few occasions I have brought up the past and their treatment of me, their default is either them not remembering and thinking I'm making it up, saying their childhood was worse and I should be grateful for all that they did for me (ie "tell me about it, you think you had it bad..."), or saying the past is in the past and I will understand when I'm a parent and make my own mistakes. Fair enough, but they won't listen to me when I tell them what I need and expect in their treatment of me now.
Things have just not improved and my parents are getting worse as time goes on. The latest is that my mom is trying to tell me how I am being unfair and cruel by expecting her to act a certain way to spend time with me. I have told her when she asks why I don't want to spend time together that she is being overbearing and disrespectful, that she treats me like a child and will not just spend time without criticizing me. She immediately goes into defense mode and gets weepy and says one of the following 1) my parents were like this to me and its all I know how to do 2) I'm trying to protect you because I'm the only one who loves you unconditionally or 3) I do nothing wrong and my therapist said I'm fine and everyone else is the problem. No matter the approach I take, I can not get her to see what she is doing. She is ruining her relationships with everyone at this point and always playing the victim card or starts crying when I try to correct her behaviour. Any time I stand up for myself or argue I am automatically "being a b***h". My dad doesn't try anymore, only if I initiate but I do know that he shares this sentiment.
The tipping point for me right now is that she is using my beloved cat's death to start an argument about how I need to let her be there for me. She waited until 2 days after his passing to say that she wants to be here for me while I grieve, but I am so mean that I won't let us have a relationship. I also have a baby due in September so she is constantly talking about how she wants to be around when baby is here, etc but thinks I will cut her off and keeps asking why I am being so mean to her.
She has made my pregnancy about her, and has done some really unkind things throughout. One example was that she outright refused to acknowledge or be excited about my baby until I was further along because she had a miscarriage early on (around 6 weeks) and was sure that I would have one too. She always would take about her baby that died, and I get how awful that must have been, but it has been 30 years and she had two healthy children. The baby just never developed - no heart beat at the first ultrasound. I have been so excited about my pregnancy, and she takes every chance to downplay it or taint it with whatever anxious thought she has that day. Her favorite is to tell me how they will start hating me in 16 years and it will be justice for how I was as a teen.
It kills me to see my mom in pain and hurting but I can't be a doormat anymore, and she can't be reasoned with. I just don't know where to go from here. I have debated moving across the country to put some distance between us and maybe that will help, but obviously running away isn't the solution. I have tried to outline the things that are bothering me when she asks, but she denies any fault. I have suggested therapy and even going together for counseling, and she refuses and has excuses for how there is nothing wrong with her behaviour. At this point I just don't know what to do. I don't want my kid around these kinds of ideas, but I also don't want them to grow up cut off from family like I was. I know that sheltering them won't help them develop their own ideas but I can't stand the idea of my parents abusing my child. I plan to only have them around my kid with supervision anyways. It hurts to think of cutting them out of my life, but I am having trouble seeing any solutions now.
TL;DR: I think my parents were abusive. Now that I am realizing it and standing up for myself in the present, they are trying to guilt me back into submission and will take no blame in their on-going poor and disrespectful treatment of me. The idea of cutting them off hurts me and it would break my heart to see them in pain, but what other option do I have if they won't listen to my needs?
submitted by ExtensionWerewolf8 to offmychest [link] [comments]

Wonderful Wonderful

This album just has such a ridiculous level of care and love put into it, it practically bleeds for you, and it really lays Brandon’s soul out there for all to see as the lyric writer. It was written as a means of processing something that Brandon had kept secret for years - his wife’s struggles with post-traumatic stress and depression, which had just culminated in suicidal ideation before the band reconvened to write this album. Every single song is so cohesive, lyrically and thematically - it is truly an absolute masterpiece of cohesion, a real work of art. Wonderful Wonderful tells a story from start to finish in a way that no other Killers album to date has achieved so successfully, and it’s just absolutely gorgeous.
The order of the tracklisting is so very critical in Wonderful Wonderful. It begins with the title track, which sets the stage for the album and discloses its inspiration. It seems to be written from twin perspectives - that of Brandon, as a husband trying to guide and support his wife through struggles, and that of God doing the same.
It’s perhaps the most overtly religiously evocative of their songs, which is quite interesting and perhaps indicative of how much they’ve both leaned on their faith in the last several years as they have struggled with mental health. There is a lot of clever word play couched between the purposeful, biblical language: “Stay on the path that leads to the well - there are many, take the one that leads to the well.” Brandon used a drought to symbolize his wife’s life throughout the album, continuing into the album art and the stage production. Water symbolizes hope, as it comes to wash out the bad and begin anew. This line, on the surface, calls back to that theme - you’re in the midst of a drought, but there is water if you head to the well.
But it has a dual meaning and is also meant to speak to illness vs. health - she is ill, and there are many ways that her story could go, but he is asking her to take the one that leads to wellness. Towards the end, Brandon gets a little more assertive about it - “my arm is reached out, I am here. I’ll crush every doubt and every fear, clothesline the shame and you will answer to the rain.” He’ll be there to support her, if she will confide in him and trust him - he’ll help her through the shame and stigma of mental illness, crush the negative feelings and make room for hope instead. This song references that drought/water theme for the first time and tells his wife not to give up hope that things will get better (“Don’t you listen to the never; keep praying for rain”).
The second track is The Man, which Brandon has said is a kind of last hurrah with his younger, more naïve self. It pokes fun at his perception of what it meant to be a man when he was young and dumb - “Nothing can break me down, don’t need no advice - I got a plan.” He has said that in the process of writing the album, he realized that his idea of ‘being a man’ has changed, from a sort of macho, arrogant bread winner to realizing that it’s really all about empathy and compassion and trying to be a good person - and the rest of the album puts his new perception of 'manliness’ on full display.
Rut and Life to Come are the gatekeepers of this new, empathetic outlook - such a beautiful exercise in the empathy and compassion that he is so proud of cultivating. He wrote Rut from his wife’s perspective, trying to get inside her head and understand what she was feeling - without knowing the problem, there can be no solution. He does a beautiful job of portraying the struggle of mental illness, and writes in a way that is not necessarily specific to PTSD - it is versatile enough for the listener to apply the message to any range of struggles or mental illnesses.
“Don’t give up on me, 'cause I’m just in a rut - I’m climbing but the walls keep stacking up.” The opening lines set the stage so perfectly for the concept of the song, which climaxes in a long, hopeful bridge of “I’ll climb and I’ll climb” - one that almost goes on too long and in doing so exemplifies the difficult, lengthy battle of recovery from illness.
Life to Come is the sibling of Rut; the very next track is a direct response to its predecessor and this time, we hear Brandon’s immediate response to Tana’s confession in Rut: “I didn’t see this coming, I admit it, but if you think I’ll buckle, forget it. I told you that I’d be the one, I’ll be there in the life to come.” It is a little more raw, less polished than the other tracks on the album. There are moments where his voice is shaky or slightly off-key, perhaps left in on purpose to show the depth of the emotion and conviction that went into this song. The entire track professes his support for her and his belief that she shouldn’t feel ashamed of her illness; that he’s going to help her get through it, because that’s what marriage is for: “I know sometimes you think that I regret it, but I don’t remember stumblin’ when I said it: I told you that I’d be the one. I was talkin’ 'bout the life to come.”
The fourth track, Run For Cover, flips the script and tells the story of a man who does not believe that empathy and compassion are important, a politician who does not treat his wife as he should. Brandon speaks to the man’s wife and tells her to leave him: “Run while you can, baby - don’t look back. You gotta run for cover. Don’t be afraid of the fear, that’s a played out trap, man - you know you’re not the only one.” He then writes a verse from her perspective, once again putting his empathetic voice into practice: “It’s hard to pack the car when all you do is shame us - it’s even harder when the dirtbag’s famous.” Brandon returns once more as a third party narrator (“There was nothing she wouldn’t give just to trust him with her nightmares and her dreams - she’s running just to trust him. He’s got a big smile, he’s fake news, just run for cover - you’ve got nothing left to lose,” and again pleading for the wife to leave her 'dirtbag’ of a husband who lacks empathy and compassion.
The next track, Tyson vs. Douglas, is yet another exploration of empathy. This time, Brandon puts himself in the shoes of Mike Tyson as he gets knocked out by Buster Douglas during an iconic fight in 1990. “You’re used to winning, how did it feel? Did you hear the screaming? It was unreal…you can hit the shower, fill the place up with steam, close the curtains - but when you woke up, man, it wasn’t no dream.” He then turns the pen on himself and reflects on his children, who view him as an invincible hero, and the inevitability that he himself will eventually 'go down’ like his own hero, Mike Tyson, did.
Some Kind of Love was written in the depths of Brandon’s writer’s block, borne of his attempts to break through to his wife and connect with her. They were both in dark places: she in the midst of a depressive episode, and he was questioning his own ability to write, as his attempts to suppress his marital struggles in his work had resulted in the inability to create anything worth pursuing.
He did something he’s never done before here: he wrote over an instrumental track by Brian Eno, desperate to create something and needing a fully realized musical landscape to work with. “You got the will of a wild bird, you got the faith of a child before the world gets in - you’ve got some kind of love.” Here he pleads with his wife to recognize how strong she is - how he sees her, rather than how she saw herself at that time. It ends with a heartfelt call to her, trying to reach her through her depression and push away the suicidal ideation in the way he feels he communicates best - through music: “Can’t do this alone, we need you at home. There’s so much to see, we know that you’re strong - can’t do this alone.”
The next song, Out of My Mind, is a sort of monument to his marriage and an ode to his wife, acknowledging their struggles but also celebrating their relationship: “We’re building up a kingdom, we pray it never falls…but I can’t get you out of my mind.” He then lists all of his accomplishments trying to impress her, and reiterates how smitten he is with her throughout the song. It’s his attempt to move on, past their struggles - it doesn’t matter, her fears were unfounded and he still loves her.
The Calling is yet another piece of his quest to be a better person and inspire others to do the same. It’s told through the story of a son, a clergyman, trying to lead his father to a better life: “Follow the son out of the night, brother, just lean into the light.” Interestingly, Brandon draws on his own father’s experience with gambling when representing the father’s troubles: “His hands still shake when the ponies break out onto the track, his feet still quake when they say they want their money back.”
The final song, Have All the Songs Been Written?, brings the whole album full circle. It brings back the macho figure from The Man, but now his bravado has been lost: The Man is on top of the world and brags about how he’s got “gas in the tank, money in the bank,” while this man has been brought low and laments “Has all the gas been siphoned? Do the banks still carry gold?”
It tells of Brandon’s mindset at the beginning of the creation of this album, while he struggled with writer’s block for the first time in his life: “Have all the songs been written? Has all the truth been told? Have all these years been worth it, or am I the great regret?” This song reiterates his desire to connect with his wife in the midst of her depression and his own struggles with communication, and calls back to his journey while writing Some Kind of Love: “Have all the songs been written? I just need one to get through to you…when the ship is back in the harbor, I will make you happy again - I can see it, I believe it.”
From top to bottom, Wonderful Wonderful is just such an absolutely stunning piece of work, a real masterpiece of songwriting and a truly wonderful exercise in cohesive writing. Every song is connected and their meanings are subtly interwoven, creating a true album, not only a collection of songs.
Happy birthday to my very favorite Killers album.
submitted by larki18 to TheKillers [link] [comments]

Scared of Our Father

Hi, I'm Pearl, a woman in her early twenties and working freelance from home. Pretty much, I can only work freelance because of my illness. I am not blessed enough to go out and work salary jobs. It's pretty hard being born a disabled person already.
On top of that, imagine getting abused verbally and physically by your own father for over twenty years. It has been hell.
I have to live with them still, and we (my mother and I) have to take the abuse he gives us. Every single day, he blames us for something he went through (how the hell are all these things OUR fault to begin with), and yells some more about more things that I don't really pay attention to. But he likes to direct his anger to us because we are his safety punching bags. He's one of those MANY man-pussies who is afraid of getting a bad reputation out in his social gatherings (he's a oh-so gentlemanly, sweet, and intelligent CEO and knows a lot of important people BLEGH).
Just now, he broke into my room with an umbrella and beat me after strangling me and pulling my hair right before throwing me onto the ground. All this just because I stood up for my mom and broke a [tiny] stupid candle out of anger. So that stupid candle meant more than my mom? Screw you.
I am envious of people who have fathers who are very supportive and genuinely love their families. Our dad just sees us as a responsibility and wants us to maintain good reputations and achievements so that he can brag to his social circles about them.
Oh, and he is a cheating dirtbag. Uses all his money on these young women and their kids, but acts like all his money goes to my sister.
People say that us rich folk are happy and that we have it easy, but some of us really do not, as you can see. I cannot do much with the weak brain and body I was born with, we have to meet social standards of which there are several, and have to be abused by our perfectionist and passive-aggressive daddy.

But the sad thing is, I have never been able to tell people about him because he's family, and my sisters depend on him. It's extremely sad living a dysfunctional life. I have developed a form of mental stress that I could never shake off since I was 21 (this is when I truly realized how abusive our father was), and have been cut off by so many friends because of it. People my age don't like to hear out depressing stories and prefer to dump their friends. It's really sad that people my age are so superficial and heartless. I even had trouble getting through college because of rumors created by these "friends" (I'm looking at you, Nelly). I got a good grade, but what's the use if people choose to villainize you? I need help and I have no one to help me. Even my mom just sides with my father now to spare herself from being yelled at some more. My sisters hate me and just use me for money, so we do not get along. I'm terribly lonely and need people to talk to...

I can't even date men because I have developed a fear of them all because of him and some guys I knew in middle school who beat me in a bathroom. I was also sensitive to jerks at my college who consistently harassed girls by phone and physical means, all while cheating on their girlfriends. I have lost all faith in guys, because in reality, no one who is in a relationship is faithful these days. It's just the sour truth lol.

Have you had an experience like this, or have had friends who have gone through these things?
submitted by beehivecologne to abuse [link] [comments]

The time I stayed with my dboy for a couple weeks....

So all of us love talking about/ hearing stories about our wonderful dealers. I wanted to share a story with you guys about one of mine. This dealer is definitely a type of dealer you don’t usually come across and I guess you could say I lucked out.
His name is Dan.
My boyfriend and I met Dan a little over a year ago. Not last winter but the winter before. Boyfriend and I were on the streets, staying in hotels, or friends houses for a minute at the time. We were staying at our friend’s house, Louis.
Now, Louis’ house was the ultimate trap spot pretty much. Louis’ Mom just recently passed actually and Lou’s brother is a piece of shit and sold the house so Lou had to move out. Lou actually got charged with ‘operating a drug house’ which I didn’t even know was a charge? His house was always a drug house tho. There were two buildings, 1 was the house, the other was the garage. Garage was where you would always catch people sleeping cause they had no where to go, or nodded off with a damn needle in their arm. Louis used to be one of our closest friends actually. Not too many people are trustworthy in the game, but he trusted us and same with him.
Anyways, lol. We were staying in the garage at the time. This chick Brittany would always be there. She started selling us some black one day. Which was weird, cause she never had shit. She was basically sleeping in her car or at Lou’s or at another dboys house named Hawk. So we just thought it was weird how a bitch with nothing was selling all of a sudden. Figured she was middling or something. She tried acting like she was doing big things and shit until we found out she was just sleeping with/dating her dboy. One night she came over to Lou’s and she was telling me how she has to drive to X to reup. A few hours go by and she came back. She randomly just spurts out a question to me about reupping while her dboy is in jail etc etc. So that’s when we found out she wasn’t really dealing she was just sleeping with her dboy. Her dboy went to jail for something small and he was having her do everything for him to keep raking in the cash while he was in there. Thought it was hella funny how hard she was trying to stunt until she spilled the beans lol.
A week or so goes by....and we hit Brittany up to pickup. She says yeah come to so and so hotel. We go and meet her and she asks us to take her to Safeway so we oblige. Drive her back to the hotel. I think we stopped staying at Lou’s or maybe not I can’t remember but we needed to shower really bad so we asked her if it was cool if we could shower in her hotel room. She says “uhm maybe. The guy I’m staying with will probably be okay with it. He’s just set in his ways ya know? Let me go ask” We start getting our clothes and whatever ready and she comes down and it’s cool but she warns us again “My dude is cool. But like I said he’s just set in his ways and can be hotheaded so just to let you guys know.” Were like okay whatever. Get up to the room and we get introduced to Dan.
Everybody introduces themselves blahblahblah. Now Dan is not what I pictured when Brittany was talking about her dboy. Idk what I pictured really but Dan is just kinda funny looking hah. He’s 37-38. He’s maybe 5’7 with a really bad hunchback.maybe weighs 150. He’s white and has like gingerish hair. He reminds me of like an evil leprechaun kinda 😂
So my boyfriend and I go do our thing together in the shower. Get out and Dan says he’d like it if we sit and kick it for a bit. Hands us some scratchers and tells us to scratch away. Throws down some black on foil. He’s cool haven’t seen his temper yet. He’s gonna go sell someone a sack downstairs and go grab a meth pipe from Brittany’s car. He comes back up and starts yelling about how he spilled root beer on him and they start fighting. So we decide we’re gonna bounce. It was like two weeks of drama after that.
Brittany would hit me up to hangout cause she didn’t wanna be around Dan. Bitch about his temper. Pretty much just got her side of the story so she made it seem like he was a dirtbag who eventually put his hands on her. Last day I saw Brittany she was staying at Dans dads house with him. She had to turn herself into a program and was detoxing at the house. Dan asked us for a ride or two and bought some bars from us for her. They ended on bad terms though. I guess she snuck into his dads house with one of her girlfriends to get her clothes and stuff and dans dad woke up and was like wtf. They took stuff that wasn’t even hers like clothes and shit but just totally out of pocket.
That same week my boyfriend gets arrested. I was totally barred out all week on one of my Xanax binges. We were sleeping in my car at the time and idk why I was asleep in the backseat lol but that’s the last thing i remember. I wake up to my boyfriend saying “Wake up! Cops! Getting pulled over” I sit up really confused and I’m just like wtf where am I. “Where the fuck are we?! Babe what the fuck!! What time is it?!” I’m looking out the windows, and I didn’t recognize the area.
Turns out we were in a few towns over. Only like 20-30 minutes away from our city. Not far at all. It was like 5am when I woke up to us getting blurped 🚓. Reason why we were in this town was because I guess my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and he wanted to get a head start for that day to hustle. We usually go out of town and drive city to city to hustle. He boosts and we also do returns. Our city is just burnt. All the stores either, recognize my boyfriend, or they just refuse to do returns for anyone around here now. The epidemic is really bad here and all the junkies blew every store the fuck up and the stores caught on. So yeah, he was just restless and wanted to get an early start for the day so decided to drive a few towns over. He had a warrant out so that’s also why I was so upset when I woke up to that. Before the cop came to the car we told each other we loved one another he’ll call me blahblahblah. We don’t like to bullshit the cops if he’s got a warrant or cause we’re on probation. We just tell them before they run our names from the start cause it makes shit a lot faster and easier than playing dumb. Fucking cops gave me a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt. So mad about that. I was asleep and we were in a residential area anyways. They didn’t find any drugs or anything so no new charges either they were just dicks. Reason why they didn’t find the black was because at the time we had a silicone dab rig. In the bottom of the dab rig there was a built in silicone container the ones for wax and shit. Well we’re in Cali so cops never trip on our dab rigs when we get pulled over. But we had over a gram in the stash container and since the cops don’t trip on the dab rigs they’ve never even touched ours in all the times we’ve been pulled over. I was sweating so bad tho thinking they were gonna pick it up and inspect it lol they didn’t tho.
Here’s where I start the whole reason why I started this story lol
So after the cops took my boyfriend and let me go it was like 6am. I’m still all confused at this point not knowing where to go. I texted Dan cause he’s an early riser. “Hey dude Justin got arrested and shits a long story but hit me up when you’re awake” He calls me like thirty minutes later and tells me which hotel he’s at and I swing by before he has to check out. I drive back to our city which isn’t far and make it to Dans hotel. We do a few dabs and I explain what happened. He tells me the falling out with Brittany yadayada. I guess she tried to steal an ounce of black from him when he was sleeping. He caught her. She threw an unopened soda can at his head and he pinned her against the wall. When she told me he put his hands on her she left those details out.
A week goes by in a drug induced haze staying at Lou’s or in my car. I was also staying at one of our dgirls houses actually. She ended up doing me hella dirty tho so I left her place. We were like best friends and she was never untrustworthy at all. Her man went to jail too so we were helping each other out. She was basically getting me well and fronting me until my boyfriend got out. He only had to serve 2 weeks at that point. So she didn’t mind helping me. The falling out between us is another story tho.
After I left her house I was in my car. It was raining and cold. I had just gotten caught shoplifting trying to make some money twice that week so I said fuck that I’m not trying to get arrested. I got lucky actually and the cops never came when I was caught both times. I was just down and depressed. Boyfriends in jail. I wake up the next morning sick af. Dan calls me. Asks me to come to his hotel. I’m sick as a damn dog and I’m just like yesssss thank you junkie gods lol. I arrive and he just woke up so he smokes with me. Asks me to drive him to the store in the new whip he just bought. He didn’t have his license at the time. I asked why he called and he said he remembered I was all alone in my car and shit and it was cold out. Dan is one of those people who doesn’t like being alone. Most addicts don’t like being alone actually lol. Dan and I kick it most of the day. He tells me I can stay with him if I want. He had the hots for this bitch Lydia tho and I just had to leave for a lil bit when she got there. I happily took that offer. Idk how I get so lucky on getting the chance to stay with my dealers but I do lol.
I ended up staying with dan for pretty much idk 2 weeks. Now whoever has stayed reading this long ass story is probably thinking “oh this junky bitch probably slept with him for dope” Dan is one of the nicest dudes I’ve ever met. He never once tried to put the moves on me. Never even made a flirtatious comment towards me. Mind you we barely knew each other for longer than a month. I think he could tell I wasn’t a druggie whore and would never cheat on my man. Dan and I slept in the same bed even. Idk why he never got a room with two beds but I didn’t mind because he kept his space and as did I. Sometimes I wouldn’t be with him when he checked into a new hotel or new room. Dan is one of the most hot headed people I’ve ever met. It’s cause of the dope cause when we’ve picked him up from jail and shit he’s not like that at all. But I would give him space when he would get real bad. Sometimes I would go run errands or go and hustle some cash too so it’s not like I was annoying and was just a mooch not leaving his side.
He’s also one of those people that is never wrong. Like he doesn’t admit to his faults whatsoever. Don’t even try arguing with him. He doesn’t listen to anybody but himself most of the time. He has to be the one to think of shit first to even consider something even if you’ve explained something to him already. I remember teaching him how to dab black and he loved it. Told him to only use titanium nails cause it works the best with tar and yadayada. We were staying at a hotel that shared a parking lot with a smoke shop. He comes back to the room and shows me his new dab rig he just bought. Most cheap dab rigs only come with those dinky quartz nails and I explained to him numerous times before to use a titanium one. That same day his quartz nail broke and he was cussing and went to the smoke shop to get a new one. This motherfucker comes back with a titanium nail and try’s explaining to me that titanium is the only way to go and the best of the best cause that’s what the guy at the smoke shop told him. Smh I was like “you don’t listen to anything I say” lol anytime someone came over to buy a sack he would tell them about the titanium nail revelation he had and they would roll their eyes and look at me smiling. That’s just a mild example of how dan is when it comes to listening. Although, he never flipped out on me like he did everyone else. I think there was 2 times we got into a small argument but it was mild. He told me once “I don’t mind keeping you around for a number of reasons. 1) you’re not a fucking idiot like most of the people I deal with and 2) you’re not a damn junky thieving ass bitch” lol keep in mind I’m not trying to brag.
We had fun though. He would have me drive his Mercedes to take him to go reup a few hours away. He’d have me help him serve sacks. Scratch scratchers. I met some people I’m friends with still. I’m just happy he didn’t ruin things by being a dirtbag and pulling some kinda move on me. The first 2-3 nights I stayed with him I was worried I would wake up to him groping me or something like that. Majority of dealers would’ve loved me staying with them but I wouldn’t have if they tried anything lol. It’s not like I’m ugly or anything either I mean I consider myself a good looking 21 year old. I also made sure I wasn’t cock blocking him. He never got any pussy anyways cause he’s gross. This chick that he’s still dating now would come over when I stayed with Dan for those couple of weeks but they fought like crazy so he never got any.
When my boyfriend got released I went to pick him up that morning. Dan had to move rooms when I was gone but he got a room with 2 beds. Told us to stay there for the night with him. Thought it was kinda weird he didn’t do that before my boyfriend got out but whatever. The night after that my boyfriend and I got a room at the same hotel and told Dan he could stay with us. He did. The next day we had to check out and Dan lost his scratchers. He loves his scratchers and always has a stack of them. He misplaced them once and found them. Then lost them right when we were all packing up but he didn’t notice he lost them again until we checked out. Dan called me like an hour we parted and was cussing at me saying we stole them. I told him “Motherfucker you know damn well I didn’t steal your scratchers. You took them in the bathroom before you showered and that’s the last time I saw you with them. I’ll call the hotel and ask housekeeping.” Called and housekeeping said they didn’t find them which I still think they lied to this day. That hotel has lied in the past about not finding some of our stuff and we didn’t take them so housekeeping must have. Dan is notorious for blaming people for taking his shit even when they didn’t. That’s the only time he’s ever accused us of taking anything tho. He knows he’s wrong deep down but won’t admit it. I found out later by this chick Sam I met when staying with Dan that he would test me behind my back. Sam is also really close with Dan and he told her he would set up stuff up a certain way on purpose to see if I would steal. He always had a big silicone container that would hold an ounce of black in it and he would leave it out and put a small piece of paper in between the lid and container. If I opened it the paper would fall but I wouldn’t notice it. I never knew he did that cause I never once even thought about taking from him.
Idk why I posted this long ass story really lol. A lot of us chicks have it a little harder cause dealers can be scummy. Dan was a rare guy and I appreciated him for that. We’re still friends. He’s in a program now. Some bitch set him up last year. My boyfriend almost knocked him out a few times cause of Dans mouth but anyone who knows Dan has had a similar experience with him lol. Another moral to my story is, if you’re not a thief and a cool person, and can build a friendship with dealers, they’ll help you out in times of need. Every time my man has gotten locked up I pretty much get taken care of. I don’t live in an open air market though. I’m sure it’s different around those areas. Also get tired of reading the same dumb shit in this sub. I don’t have hella stories to tell but figured I’d try lol
submitted by opiatedabs to opiates [link] [comments]

Wrongfully Arrested and Other Stories

Wrongfully Arrested
I would like for anyone who is reading this to sit back and think about what they would do if a loved one was arrested for a crime they did not commit. Imagine the anger the stress the sadness the hopelessness the depression the whole world chastising you and your family. Now try to imagine how the person who was arrested feels the shame not being able to see his family or friends. Being presumed guilty when he is not. Those are just some of the feelings that a wrongfully incarcerated person feels. Keep in mind the family and loved ones are locked up with him to. Suppose one evening the FBI, Police and State Police show up at your home with a search warrant. They tear your home to pieces not to find anything listed on the warrant. They take your loved one into custody they tell you he'd be back within a few hours. Instead they arrested him on 3 class B felonies. Now your loved one is sitting in jail depressed not understanding what is going on. What would you and your family do? As a family your watching the news and your loved one is on the television accused of crimes he did not commit. The police and the district attorney are feeding the media with what they want the public believe. They want to build their case through the media make it stronger for them. Anyone who is reading this I ask you not to buy into what the media is selling they lie to get more viewers. Before you judge anyone whose been arrested when they were not guilty just remember it can happen to you or your loved ones. What would you do if this happened to you or your family? In this country you are guilty until proven innocent. Freedom is just an illusion.
Will I Ever Be Loved
As a young girl I thought that being touched in inappropriate ways. This went on for approximately five years, until my family and I moved. I did not have sexual relations until I was 18. For most of my life I felt my father never loved me because he left. I now know that’s not true. He contacted my family when I was 11 I was the only one who spoke to him. I asked him why he left “he said it was complicated”. I told him I thought he left because he was gay and he had HIV at the time. He began to cry he apologized and I forgave him. He told me he loved and missed all his kids. I said I love you to Daddy! I was never good at relationships with men I always felt trapped I felt like I was wasting my time being with these men. I was in a relationship for almost seven years when I left this guy I didn’t care because I wasn’t in love with him. It was the exact same thing with my next boyfriend I could not wait to get rid of him. I have been known to break up with men through texts, social media or ghosting them. Than I started talking to a guy named Shayne it took a while for me to go out with him. The only reason I did go out on a date with him was because he called me shy. I am not shy! I’m glad I went out with him it was love at first sight for me. I trusted him immediately which never happens I don’t trust anyone. We started seeing each other a lot and he actually domesticated me. He had a beautiful daughter her name is Nina we got a dog ( a Donerman named Roxy). Nina Shayne’s daughter was like my little girl. I drove her to school, took her to Irish dance and spent so much time with her. I was so in love I painted the outside of Shaynes house I had no idea what I was getting into! I quickly decided I would never paint the outside of a house ever again. Man that was a lot of work I see why people hire painters. Painting is a nightmare! We were together for four years until one day he said he was no longer in love with me. I was crushed, heartbroken, confused and angry. I thought what about Nina, Roxy and his family I’d become so close with. I was so heartbroken and I feel I will never have love or happiness like that again. I have no regrets for being with him, he is a great guy and I want nothing but the best for him and his family. I am glad I had him in my life when I did he taught me so much I was so happy with him. We really did love each other. I have a hard time opening up because of my childhood and the terrible things that happened to me. I have not dated since we broke up in 2015 but I’m alright with that.
Rape
On June 7, 2016 something unimaginable happened to me. I decided to go out on a hike against my better judgment I did not bring the dogs. When I drove up to the dead end of the street for the park. I noticed a old black Chevy truck sitting there. For some reason I memorized the license plates and looked in the truck it was a stick shift. The truck was littered with beer cans garbage and empty cigarette packs. The truck had old twead seats. My instincts told me to get in my car and go home. I ignored my instincts I was wrong. I was walking down the trail until I reached the woods. I had a horrible feeling the entire time but I ignored my instincts. I was halfway through the woods, when two men attacked me. The fat one smelled like body odor beer cigarettes he was hideous to look at. He had brown eyes and was about 5’8. The fat one hit me the more I fought. I kept fighting him I was not going to give up His companion was clean cut with blond hair and blue eyes he had a bone frog tattoo on his arm and another tattoo that was a Navy Seal tat. He was about 6’5 he gained control over me I refused to show them any fear. At one point they had my face shoved in the dirt I thought for sure I was going to suffocate. The attack seemed like an eternity. They kept calling me a whore a bitch a nobody a slut a pig they told me nobody would love me because I had a threesome with two men. I told them it was rape. When they finished they took their condoms with them before they left the tall guy put a gun to my head the fat guy held a knife to my throat they asked me if I wanted to die I told them to go fuck themselves. They left but I stayed for what felt like forever. I eventually got up went back to my car and cried. I did not sleep for two weeks because I was so scared I was admitted into the hospital still covered in bruises from these dirtbags who beat and raped me. The hospital staff thought I was hurting myself I tried to explain what happened but I had not slept in two weeks. So they could not understand me. My organs were in the beginning of shutting down. I almost died. When I was released from the hospital I tried to report the rape and beating I was still bruised all over. However the Rochester police said it was there jurisdiction and the Irondeqiout police said it was theres. I got fed up because they were having a pissing match. Ever since I was raped and beaten I have not dated anyone. No one in my family knows what happened to me I don’t think I will ever tell them. I know I’m strong and I will get through this. I used to be thin I gained a lot of weight to make myself unattractive. I wish I never let myself go because that means those two pigs win.
Hi my name is Rachael I'm not sure who is going to read this, but I'd like to tell my story in hopes that it helps someone else. After all aren't we all here to help one another out? Last night I found myself speaking to my mother regarding my childhood something we never talk about, I was molested and raped repeatedly as a child. I asked my mom to how to spell this person's last name who had nearly ruined my life she told me. I typed it into Google not expecting to find anything then I saw a face, the face of the man who had hurt me so badly. I did not see the monster I remember as a child.I was surprised to see that he had been incarcerated and is on the New York State registry as a level 3 sex offender. I immediately looked him up on Facebook and there he was again he had gotten married in 2012. He looked so old not like the man I remember as a child. Naturally I was upset I had this feeling of being sick, anxious and scared the same feelings I had as a child. I asked myself who would marry a sexual deviant? What type of woman would be with someone like that. I trolled his page for hours looking for evidence of the monster I once knew. I downloaded his photos put them up on Facebook tagged my brother and asked "why is he still alive?" Later I went back into Facebook and edited it telling my brother "I wanted to go down to where the person who had almost destroyed me was. I wanted to beat him with a bat, order pizza, speedy's and come home. I even considered starting a go fund me page to raise money to get there". I quickly decided that was a bad idea, because I did not want to wind up in jail for assault or fraud from starting a go fund me page. I did consider asking my family to come with me it would be our family outing but I had to let it go. I took the photos down from Facebook and decided to write this instead. I was up all night crying thinking about what this man had done to me. How I was forced to give him oral sex in my parents shower, every time he had his fingers inside me and how he took my virginity from me. I was 7 or 8 when he raped me in the bathroom of my childhood home I was so confused the pain he inflicted that day is something that I would never forget he was so rough. When he finished I was bleeding I did not understand what was happening to me. I was so scared he told me not to tell a soul. I kept my mouth shut because I was afraid he would hurt my family. As a young girl I spent so much time in the cemetery walking around talking to the dead people telling them they were lucky because they did not have to feel anymore pain. I wanted to be dead as well. I used to cut myself just to ease a little bit of my suffering of course it never eased any pain. I had no idea how to cope I had no idea how to make it through the day. I like to think that I have forgiven him, but in reality I have not. How do you forgive someone for that? I am definitely a lot less angry than I used to be I've been to counseling I wrote a few papers in college about my past. I do not drink or use drugs because I know that if I did alcohol or drugs would not ease my pain, or solve my problems. I'm really nervous about putting this out there. It's not even close to being my whole story. What I do hope is that this helps at least one person, because I know I am not alone. I no longer need to be scared and I am not ashamed of my past I am not ashamed of who I am because it is not my shame to carry. If I'm truly being honest I'm holding back all I want to say but maybe another time I will open up. Thanks for reading this!
Exhibit B
Today I am going to write something different a story about 3 boys. I will call them Mike, Jay and Rob there attorneys asked for a grand jury hearing and they were indicted on new charges the original charges still remain. These boys are facing life in prison. They are facing a crime of conspiracy a crime of terrorism. The ADA said they were planning this for months which is not true. I’ve read the discord messages these boys were not plotting anything. They did not have any plans of obtaining any weapons. The youngest boy had bombs in his house which were found by the FBI . Rob had no weapons in his home, all the weapons were found in Mike and Jay’s home, all those weapons belonged to Mike and Jay’s parents. The police said the boys were going to manufacture their own ammunition. Now these boys have a long road ahead of them. Rob has autism as well as Jay. I do believe the police are feeding the media. I will write more as soon as I read the grand jury indictment in its eternity. They are facing new charges of conspiracy in the 2nd degree 105.15 and 490.25 subdivision of the NY Penal Law. The police said the boys started plotting this attack in September 2018 and were going to carry it out on January 18, 2019 Rob worked that day until 9:30pm. The police stated that the two boys Mike and Jay were going to make their own ammunition. In Mike and Jay's home they found 23 rifles shotguns and a 22 caliber handgun. None of Robs prints were on any of those weapons including the homemade bombs. All three of the boys wanted to turn in the youngest boy and Islamberg. Every gun belonged to Mike and Jay's parents. Then the indictment went on to say Mike and Jay had stockpiles of ammo. These boys are also facing NY penal law 264.05 a class B felony they are charged with 3 counts each. Rob was the only one who did not have any weapons. All the boys are facing a lifetime in prison. I ask please do not believe what you hear from the media the police and the district attorney fred the media with what they want. Please be kind to one another.
submitted by Buttonsgalorerach to WritersGroup [link] [comments]

I [34m] am still feeling betrayed and hurt from my best friends not inviting me to their wedding in 2016. How do I let it go?

In early 2016 one of my best friends, let's call him John [40m], got engaged to my cousin Lisa [40f]. Now Lisa and I are not that close even though our families grew up together. Most of my interactions with her is through John. I knew John before he met my cousin Lisa (I didn't introduce them).
Here's some background info. Lisa and her family are the shittiest people I know personally. Her brother who is my age, we grew up together is a dirtbag and Lisa and her other brothers are all the same. For example, her and brothers have borrowed over 10k dollars from families and friends but have never paid them back. Her brother agreed to do a job for our uncle's restaurant (paid 10k cash up front and 10k later when the work is complete) and they took the money and never completed the job. Her dad a long time ago, tried to get gangsters to beat the crap out of my dad because he didn't like him. They've done a lot worse than that. So to keep this short, they're very very shady untrustworthy people, the whole lot. I keep my distance from this family but since Lisa is my best friend's girl, it was hard not to see her.
Ok, our circle of friends would get together like almost every weekend to hangout and shoot the shit. During this time, they were showing off all their plans for their wedding, decorations, templates, flowers, etc. This went on for most 2016 until one day I started noticing that there was less and less talk about the wedding. On one occasion, my buddy, Will and I were hanging out with J&L and Will asked if she had set a date for the wedding and she immediately flipped out and told him to hush about the wedding stuff.....weird I thought, but didn't think anything of it since she's been known to have these blowups. Weeks go by now and I'm wondering if I'm gonna see an invitation.
Then all of a sudden one day I see on facebook that they got married with all our closest friends celebrating with them. I was devastated to find out like that. Only one friend from this group bothered messaging me to say "I didn't know you weren't even invited, that's fucked up, why don't you crash the wedding right now, I know John would love to have you here, you deserved to be here more than anybody else" (I'm a great loyal friend, I've helped out John so many times in life.) but at that point I was so hurt, angry and embarrassed that I couldn't even consider crashing the wedding. At that point, all of them had stopped communicating with me except for the one buddy looking out for me. The funny thing is, I wasn't even close to him as I was with some of our other friends but I really appreciated him coming out to me.
Now, I was getting ready to leave to start a new career as a Merchant Mariner in November 2016. At this point I had stopped hanging out or even calling them and vice versa. But because I lost sleep over this, I reached out to John and straight up told him I need to talk before I leave. We got together, and here's the story:
Lisa's dad was helping to pay for the wedding but on one exception, I wasn't to be invited because he didn't want me there. Like I've mentioned before, Lisa and her family are shady, greedy, dishonest type of people, I had to stop trying to rationalize the things they do just to keep my sanity. So they agreed that they wouldn't invite me.
Ok.....but here's the part that cuts me deep. Now John told me that they really wanted to invite me but her dad said no and that's the end of it. Here was my response to John and I was angry and hurt but I spoke to him with a very mature and understanding attitude. I told him, if you're my best friend and you cared about me why didn't you just come and tell me about it, it was very cowardly and very unfriendly like to just sweep this under the rug and try to act like nothing happened. I also mentioned that our circle friends knew about me not getting invited and you made them keep it quiet. Ok, her dad didn't want me there but to let him make the decisions for HIS wedding and not put up a fight really spoke to me about how much he values our friendship. To this day, none of them have talked about it with me specifically Lisa.
So after our pow wow, I left for my job and now I'm gone about 9-10 months out of the year working at sea. When I come home, I do call John to hang out and see how his son is doing. I avoid his wife as much as possible because it boils my blood. I forgave John because he's never done me wrong like that and I know that all of it was being manipulated and controlled by his wife and father-in-law. FYI, John's family hates Lisa and her side as well.
It's come to a point that I hate her and her family so much I've deleted them from all my social media networks. What I really hate is his wife acting like everything is cool and she did nothing wrong to me. So for 2 years I've kinda been low and depressed about it. I have doubts about if they ever really cared about me at all. Being at sea for months at a time, you have a lot of time to just think about shit. So I did some looking back and they never really ever took an interest in me. They're actually very selfish. All our hangouts was always at their house, they never cared to let me talk about my personal feelings about anything, and the more I thought about it the more I realized that all our circle of friends don't treat me very well. I left for the military a long time ago, they never even bothered to ask how I was doing. When I deployed for a year, not one soul asked me if I was doing alright? None of them wished me happy holidays. I was the one that initiated everything in our friendship.
I tried to let shit go but I can't and every time I go to visit now, it's just not the same. I want to cut them off but we're all connected to the same families and friends and go to the same gatherings. I find that difficult.
So what can I do to get over this? There is good that came out of this. When this happened, I shut myself off to them and I ended up meeting this girl who is now my fiance.
TL;DR!
My best friends hyped up their wedding plans all year in 2016 but didn't invite me to their wedding and had all our closest friends keep it a secret. I found out they got married on a Facebook post and never even approached me about it. 2 years later I'm still really hurt about it, I tried to forgive my friends but I can't let it go.
submitted by tangotango112 to relationships [link] [comments]

Huge Offloading of Toxic Family Drama

Hello all,
I definitely feel the need to get a ton off of my chest. This has a lot to do with my family issues and it is quite long, so bear with me please.
***Trigger Warning, Physical and Sexual Abuse***
My family is big and full of secrets, lies, and drama. My father is much older than my mother, they started dating and my family hated it. I am not mad though, as my father is one of the people in my life that is consistent (though not without his faults). I have fond memories of a time where we all lived in a little house in super small town. Those memories quickly turned into bad ones as my parents argued more and more, in front of us and all. I have a half-sister that is nearly my mom's age, and she was around a lot. I also have a younger sister and brother that are close in age, though they do not really remember living with both parents.
It started with fights between my mom and dad that were explosive. He would get mad and punch through walls and my mom would just scream at him constantly. They fueled each other. Eventually my mother got tired of my dad's eccentricities (he is a musician, painter, and to be honest, he is socially very different) so she packed us up and left. We moved in with my grandfather for a short time, then into a small apartment. Thus begins the rapid decline to abuse and neglect.
The house was always messy, and my mom started tending bar. She worked all night and slept all day, often leaving us kids to our own devices. I remember us running around town in dirty clothes (this is the mid 90s at this point). She got a new boyfriend, we will call him Lowlife I guess. Well, he used to scream at us kids constantly, and he rarely allowed us to see our mom while he was holed up in her room with her. He hit us, and once, when I was hungry, I tried to make some food and made a huge mess. I could not have been more than 7, but he filled a bucket of soapy water and shoved my face into the mess on the floor, then into the water. I told my mom, but she didn't care to process it. My little brother started a fire and almost killed us. The only good thing Lowlife did for us was put it out, right before he lost his mind. They eventually broke up.
The next guy was after we moved to a newer, single-family home. Let's call him Dirtbag. He was very authoritarian and though we definitely needed structure, as a boyfriend of my mom's he crossed the line way too much. He would take pliers to our ears and twist them when we were bad. My mom became a dancer and was even more tired and absent during the days. We were wild. I ran around town on my bike, my brother and sister doing things too. The silver lining is that there were days we would actually go stay at my grandmas and she would cook for us and clean us. My great grandma used to walk down an icy hill (she actually got hurt once) to watch us in the old apartment. She did not come all of the time, mostly weekend nights, and I adored her. Anyway, the new guy eventually left and then we got taken away from her.
We did see my dad some weekends, even occasional week nights. He worked long hours and was not very good with us. He loved us and tried to teach us instruments, take us fishing, or watch movies with us. But he couldn't handle us. We were three undisciplined kids who tested him often. I truly think he is on the spectrum, he is a genius but he has his routines and social issues that prevent him from being able to handle the change us kids brought. When we were reported over and over again for wandering miles from our homes (we were 9, 7, and 5) and for wearing the same clothes for days at a time. We got injured a lot from lack of supervision so off to my grandmas we went. My mom soon left town with the final guy, PureEvil.
We stayed with my grandma for 3 years, and she was incredibly strict. She laid out our clothes, cut all of our hair off, and had our days scheduled to a T. Then we thought it sucked, but in hindsight, it was the best 3 years of my life. Anyway, I got in trouble here and there, and still caught wicked physical beatings from family members as it seems to be the parenting method of choice.
We moved back in with my mom when I turned 12. PureEvil was moderately decent at first, but the whole happy-reunited-family thing wore off fast. Mom still worked nights at a factory, he was a security guard at a prison in town. He screamed at and beat the daylights out of my older stepbrother. The house was always embarrassingly messy and he was demanding and cold. We ate the same meals for a week at a time, or we ate ramen. He got fresh dinner every night because he could not eat leftovers, so we had to drool over his food being cooked before mom went to work. We were poor, my mom and him fought constantly if they were near each other. There were always splatter marks on the walls from when my mom launched glasses full of soda at him.
After my stepbrother moved out. PureEvil began to be increasingly perverted and violent. I was a teen and my sister was just becoming one too. He would make us fight in bikinis or sports bras. Literally putting boxing gloves on us and jeering and saying nasty stuff while we reluctantly fought each other. His brother, EvenMoreEvil, would come over and they would throw us down on the ground and handcuff us so they could "practice" for work or reenact a prisoner takedown (so they say). I have vivid memories of the terror in my sister's eyes as she stared at me screaming with his knees in her back. while PureEvil did the same to me. If I wanted to go somewhere with friends and he had a say, he would make my sister and I compare our bodies and lift our shirts so he could judge our tummies. Winner got to go. It was deplorable. He made me wear my mom's clothes, and he told me he wanted to be my number one fan when I started stripping. I would scream and cry while he jumped on my bed laughing at me for crying. While I was in it! He would flick my breasts and pin me into corners. As time passed, he graduated to beating me with a rolled up newspaper meant for the dogs or by choking me and punching my stomach. He almost got caught a few times, the neighbors called the local cops but they always left because he was a security guard in town. My sister held the phone up while he beat me in the hallway once, he did not know she was on it. Her friends mom heard and came straight over, but she was scared off and nothing came of it. Meanwhile, EvenMoreEvil brother was having us on his lap. I watched in terror one night earlier on while my barely pubescent sister laid paralyzed as he slid his hands in her pants. We tell my mom, nothing comes of it. Only after his wife made my mom mad did they get told he could not come over anymore.
I was with my second boyfriend, 17 years old when I finally let it slip that I was being abused. He was shocked, even cried. I was a silly, outgoing girl. I participated in as many clubs as I could so I would not have to go home. I never did drugs, drank, or smoked. I was in a youth group and had many people I would call friends looking back. That is what hit him hard too, no one could have ever guessed it was that bad at home for us. Not long after I told him, we went home for a holiday and the three of us kids told my Aunt everything. She was holding back a lot of emotions, but she said that if we ever felt in danger, we needed to tell someone. So, we go back home, and PureEvil tips the scales. He threw me over he shoulder after he caught me walking to the laundry room in a towel. It came off quickly and he kept me over his shoulder while I screamed for him to stop, He jeered and prodded and my mother just stood there, staring at us with no expression. My siblings retreated. I had had enough. I started to worry about what was going to happen to my sister when I wasn't there to at least catch some of the attention and beatings. I also worried about what would happen to my little brother. I went to the guidance counselor the next time he beat me, and we were taken away. The city did not seem to care about my brother, just my sister and I. The sexual abuse and grooming was made painfully clear and it drowned out all of the physical abuse.
I know this has been long, I just felt like I had to get it off of my chest, such as this thread is here for. Also, it makes my mom's actions more understandable.
The judge demanded that he be removed from the home if my sister and I were to come back. She agreed. He gave her two weeks. In the meantime, my sister and I refused to testify against him as we were traumatized enough and (get this) we were afraid our mom would hate us. They said they had no case if we would not testify, so PureEvil remained a prison guard. I hold a lot of guilt to this day for that. Two weeks go by, and he is still at home. My mom tells the judge he wont be leaving, he says "shame on you", them BAM. No more mom. I lived with an amazing foster family but ended up with another one due to some family issues. I was treated so well by both. I went from having one dirty contact to having new ones. I was loved and I struggled with it, so I self-sabotaged. I moved away after enlisting.
Over the years I have BEGGED my mother to be in my life. She is still with him. To this day. He made my sister apologize to him for the court stuff. He got fired for beating inmates, and now he is back in my hometown with my mom. I am no longer in the service, and I am married with an amazing house and a beautiful daughter and two amazing stepdaughters. My Dad is so much better now that I am an adult. He showed a ton of restraint when the whole stepdad thing occurred. My sister ended up living with him.
As adults we are all in pain. I am miserable a lot from missing and wanting a relationship with my mom. On top of that, I have my own family drama, with my husband's ex being relentless and cruel. He has his faults too, though those are stories for another day.
My sister is depressed and has really bad PTSD from it all. She has always been sensitive and fragile. Who can blame her? My brother is a ball of rage. His temper is quick and explosive. Why wouldn't it be? He was stuck with that evil man after he lost his sisters who moved away the first chance they got. My mom made us be around PureEvil, and it recent years as more mature adults we finally said NO. We won't be around him. She wants me to allow my daughter to be around him, and I said no, of course. She lost her mind on me! It never ends. No matter how many times he messes up. And oh gosh, has he ever.
One night, working as a bouncebartender, he offered to take a cute young girl home. He drives her to a remote location, tells her he has something to show her, and then her tries to force himself on her. She panics, he freaks out, forces her into a car, and drives her around forever screaming at her and stating he "Doesn't know what to do." He must have eventually realized he would never get away with anything so he reluctantly drops her off miles from her house, where she immediately calls another dancer (this is a strip club) and PureEvil is fired nearly immediately.
I feel so much guilt. I should have testified against him, if I had, he would not have assaulted this girl. I beat myself up everyday for the things I could have done differently. I am a great mom. The kids never want for anything, and we do all sorts of things and have so many fun experiences. I should feel lucky! I was a very high performer while I served in the military. There is nothing that I do not do for the people who need me, but the drama never stops. I just can't stop chasing a relationship with my mom. I desperately want her in my life, and the more she rejects me (for him) the more I am torn up about it. Watching movies where women have good relationships with their mothers provokes silent tears for me. Beneath this high-functioning, loving, and successful surface, I am a writhing, regretful, and miserable mess.
Today was terrible. My brother, whom I love dearly, randomly just disowned me. Because I did not call him back or text him back three days in a row. My sister is getting married, my mother is being a wench about it, so I have tried to pay for whatever she will allow me to. She is emotional so I talk to her really often on the phone, and I can see how I have neglected to make time for my brother, but today he told me I am a hypocrite just like our mom. He called me MOM. I am not her, but I always fear I will become her.
I want this guilt and pain to stop. Is my mom worth chasing? Surely my advice to anyone else would be to let go. So what gives? Why can't I. I feel weak. Like a fraud for being so weak beneath this facade of strength I have built over all of these years. I am a loving mother, a hard worker, and a wife that desperately wants to be happy for my husband, and yet I am just a shell carrying the passenger that is my inner-child. The kid who never had a normal childhood. Still, I owe it to that kid because I am constantly pushed to make sure my child is unconditionally loved, as are my stepdaughters.
It feels amazing to type this all out. I share some of this stuff with close friends, but not all of it. Thank you for reading this novel. I am sure many of you have experiences that are equally, if not more painful than ours. Any input or advice would be lovely, but I feel satisfied knowing that these feelings are out there.
Thank you
submitted by WomanNamedCarl to offmychest [link] [comments]

Fanfic Roundup 2017 Edition (Pricefield)

Hey everyone! Since the latest Fanfic compendium (https://www.reddit.com/lifeisstrange/comments/55p7jv/fanfic_compendium_redo_2/?sort=new) hasn't been updated in a few months now, I thought I could create a new one to add a few more entries and raise awareness. I'm also open to all suggestions, of course. I'm bound to forget something. All of these stories are purely Pricefield flavored so keep that in mind.
Have some nicely fluffy happy fics to start you out:
This is just a small sample of the high quality fics that this fandom has produced thus far.
From here on out there will be two categories. One will be fics that take the game's canon into account and they usually take place after one of the endings and the other category is for AUs- fics that take the LiS characters and Arcadia Bay as setting and do their own thang with them. Categorizing them any further is simply a pain in the butt and serves no purpose, imo.
Post-canon
Alternate Universe (AU)
submitted by dhelfric to lifeisstrange [link] [comments]

I Dated Someone with Schizophrenia  My Experience Love Unexpected (Short Film)  Online Love  1.3 MILLION!!  GLMM  Inspired  READ DESC My First Love ft. Emirichu - Episode 1

Dating Depression and Dirtbags: A Love Story, a solo show written by and starring Elza Zagreda, will begin performances March 21 at Stage Left Studios in Manhattan. Ich bin schon fast Dating Depression & Dirtbags A Love Story 2 Jahre Single. und es fehlt etwas ganz Wichtiges: Ein Partner! Deshalb mache ich (37 Jahre, etwas mollige 70 Kilo auf 1.66m) mich Dating, Depression and Dirtbags: A Love Story. Sure enough, when the phone rings shortly after, Elza uncovers the truth: What follows off is heavy drinking and the off of heavy objects as the two attempt to still cohabitate despite the infidelity. In the end her husband is the one who leaves, realizing that he has a problem and is incapable of Dating Depression & Dirtbags A Love Story, jarett wieselman emily bett rickards dating, derek hough dating hayley, gay men online dating sites Albanian-American monologuist Elza Zagreda shares stories from the wild frontiers of the NYC dating world.

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I Dated Someone with Schizophrenia My Experience

In this video, I let you in on some hardships going on in my life right now. I talk about a recent breakup, and about how I'm going through depression. Comment any advice you may have or share ... Here's my story and some tips about dating someone with a mental illness. Don't forget to 'like', comment and share! .:: ... A Love Story - Duration: ... Love Someone Who Has Depression? This is ... Here is episode 1 of the story of how I met the first girl I ever loved. I experimented combining the storybook form and how story times are traditionally portrayed and I'm really happy with how ... Top 3 Love Story Minecraft Animations - Duration: 14:27. Wrangoo ... Herobrine's Life (Sad but very touching story) - Best Minecraft Animation - Duration: 18:49. XDJames 21,265,135 ... thank you for watching my first short film ever w/ my amazing co-director Jackson Massey. hopefully you all enjoyed it and more short films to come! thank you to all of the cast and crew for ...